


the apple tree

by Raiken



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Athlete/Underground rapper, Coming out to their families, Friendship/Love, Holding Hands, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of different settings in time, Mention of different types of violence, Reincarnation, Romance, Sexual Content, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25281976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiken/pseuds/Raiken
Summary: Changbin had gone through time with everything feeling old, especially his mind, but with only his heart remaining young and beating for the love of his lives. Each of his lives ripping the seams from his brain as all his lives took something away from him. Never his love for Hyunjin, however. No, his love grew stronger each time they met and it always devastated him as much.Because there was another thing that never changed; Hyunjin’s death, lurid and written in blood.--or: Changbin is battling destiny in order to keep Hyunjin alive.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 63
Kudos: 148
Collections: STRAY KIDS BIGBANG: 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my beta-reader Alex, who fixed all my typos and suggested me more fitting words, which helped me polish this story so dear to my heart, and to my little Nan who made a wonderful [trailer](https://twitter.com/nandipityy/status/1292364274933723136?s=20) for my fanfic-- my first time having trailer, and I'm beyond happy. I am so in love with it!
> 
>   
> This story is part of the Stray Kids BigBang fic fest, but only was born out of my need for angst and for a love so deep it hurt. I hope you will love this story as much as I loved writing it.

_“Make the sun-tanned adolescents toss in their beds,”_

— Charles Baudelaire, Flowers of Evil.

  
  
  
  


They were twelve and couldn’t reach the head of a horse unless they stood on their tiptoes.

They were twelve and had many friends, each of them orphaned and all of them working for the local farm. Their parents were away, at war or dead. It didn’t matter, they were together and safe with a purpose in life that consisted of helping the adults at the farm while playing with the animals they had to take care of.

Changbin met him the first time here, the lithe little boy with catlike eyes and a pretty smile. He was picking apples off a tree. Red ones, like his mouth. He waved when he spotted Changbin looking up at him, his own hands limp around the handle of the wheelbarrow filled with straw he was taking to the barn. 

The wheelbarrow fell on the ground. It fell on its side, all the straw scattering over. It fell on his feet, but he didn’t feel the pain.

Changbin was twelve and his heart was beating like it never did before. Fast and crazy and like it was suddenly alive for the first time.

“I’m Hyunjin,” the pretty little boy told him, tilting his head with curiosity. “What’s your name?”

“Changbin,” he managed to let out, watching the boy— Hyunjin, hop on the ground and kneel in front of the wheelbarrow.

“Do you need help, Changbin?”

Changbin hummed.

Hyunjin helped him with his little hands, straw stuck between his tiny fingers, giggling because it tickled his palms. He was looking at things, at the world around, with innocent eyes and clothes too white next to Changbin’s dirty ones. Hyunjin was really angelic. Cute and pretty, and a laugh so pure it chased away all the sad thoughts in Changbin’s twelve-year-old head.

They became friends really fast. Hyunjin followed Changbin everywhere, did the same chores, brushed the same horses and shared the same taste for adventures.

Hyunjin liked pets on his head, his hair black and soft between Changbin’s fingers. Hyunjin liked cuddles, his cheek squished against Changbin’s tiny chest. Hyunjin liked holding hands, he liked intertwining their fingers, he liked smiling at Changbin with little white teeth and a pink tongue darting out because his eyes always sparked with mischief.

Hyunjin had no sense of danger.

Hyunjin always took Changbin’s hand to climb onto trees and jump from branches too high. In a sense, he was like a kitten— not a cat, but a kitten climbing trees or roofs, and crying because he was unable to find his way down. Or crying because he hurt himself. Changbin always helped him then, unsure, but he had to protect tiny Hyunjin and make him stop crying, stop hurting, stop trembling in fear. 

In between Changbin’s scrawny arms, Hyunjin always stopped sniffing and smiled up with a thank you on the tip of his tongue.

Hyunjin liked kisses on the lips, innocent kisses that made him giggle and lay his head gently in the crook of Changbin’s neck. He was eleven, happy and curious and angelic.

Hyunjin liked making promises. _We are best friends!_ He always chirped. _We are together, forever. Promise me that we will always be together!_ Hyunjin always kissed to seal a promise he just made without Changbin even protesting.

Changbin loved him. 

Changbin loved him very much.

Changbin didn’t want to be away from him.

One day, they went by the river to see the waterfall. They ate red apples, Hyunjin’s lips sweet against his own. Changbin told him stories he made up in his head, about a prince and a dancer; a merchant and a blacksmith; a bard and someone who wanted to die. He didn’t know where it came from, but it flooded his head like worms, putting holes in his brain. Like he was wise, too wise, too tired, and went through many lives.

It made Hyunjin happy, his eyes shiny and curious and his smile big with all the questions about the stories Changbin created in his little mind.

When the sky grew orange, they decided to head back to the farm. 

Hyunjin, still full of spirit, hopped on his feet. He smiled, took a step back, his eyes round from surprise, his little hand reaching for Changbin who couldn’t do as much as watch him fall.

Like time stopped, Changbin heard his scream and the crack of his skull against the rocks down the waterfall.

Changbin’s own heart cracking in two.

The river tinted in reds and blacks. That was all Changbin could see around Hyunjin’s pale little face.

It hurt, it hurt so much.

Paralyzed by this emotional pain that took over all his limbs— taunt and cold and about to crack too, he cried. Silence, tears and sniffles.

A whisper.

_Hyunjin..._

And then, he jumped.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


“Do you have seats for us?” Jisung yelled over the phone. He was talking to Seungmin while following Changbin who made his way through the crowd in the bleachers. “Hang on... Yeah, I see Felix!” He shouted while standing on his tip toes and waving back at Felix a few meters away. 

He hung up and looked over his shoulder to check if Changbin hadn’t been eaten by the crowd.

“Where are they?” Changbin asked, grabbing Jisung’s wrist.

“By the side of the bleachers.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

Changbin pulled Jisung behind him, jostling— pushing people out of his way, and leaving Jisung to mechanically apologize on his behalf. He didn’t care, he had to see Hyunjin’s relay race in time; it was his first qualifiers for the national championship; his first time being the team’s ace as he was also competing for the 200 meter-dash. If he didn’t make it in time, then Hyunjin would nag for the rest of his life.

“You’re late,” Seungmin remarked matter-of-factly without looking at them. “Hyunjin is already on the starting block.” He snapped a picture, then another, and smiled because Hyunjin had glanced towards their direction and grinned.

“We were stuck in traffic,” Jisung explained as he slumped over the barrier and yelled supportive words. Felix joined him and Changbin began laughing because obviously Hyunjin couldn’t hear them over all the noise.

When the whistle blast rang out, Hyunjin started racing. He was opening the relay and already overtaking his opponents. He was ripping through the air like a hunting eagle, his black hair pushed back by the speed of his race and his eyes dark, focused with a little frown above them.

He liked it.

Hyunjin being alive.

Breathing, running, smiling, eating, laughing, sleeping, crying, fighting; hitting Changbin where it hurt, touching him where it felt good, tasting him where it was sweet, resting his head where his heart beat, hugging him because that was where he felt safe and loved; between his arms, against his chest, in the crook of his neck, wrapped in the warmth of his embrace.

It had to stay that way. 

Hyunjin being alive.

Changbin had gone through time with everything feeling old, especially his mind, but with only his heart remaining young and beating for the love of his lives. Each of his lives ripping the seams from his brain as all his lives took something away from him. Never his love for Hyunjin, however. No, his love grew stronger each time they met and it always devastated him as much.

Because there was another thing that never changed; Hyunjin’s death, lurid and written in blood.

Changbin had to keep him alive this time, no matter what.

(No matter how painful it was to be in love with the boy who died from being loved.)

“They’re first!” Jisung exclaimed, banging his head against Changbin’s chin. “My ex is the best! I knew I had good taste in men!”

“You two dated only for two weeks,” Seungmin countered, still snapping pictures of Hyunjin’s team victory. “Not sure if it counts, especially if you two didn’t do anything.”

“And how would you know that?” Jisung raised an eyebrow.

“Hyunjin tells me everything.”

“Well, he didn’t tell you how he almost threw up while sucking my dick then,” he said smugly, but everyone knew he was joking. They had dated only because Felix dared them to, and they only lasted two weeks because holding each other’s hands made them laugh more than it made them take their relationship seriously.

“That’s not how blowjobs work,” Felix piped in with a nose scrunch.

“And how would you know that?” Jisung asked again, smug and wiggling his eyebrows.

“You don’t wanna know,” Felix replied, wiggling his eyebrows as well.

Seungmin snorted.

After that, they went to buy food while waiting for Hyunjin’s 200 metres— they came to the track and field for him and also for the members of his club they more or less knew. Jisung, Felix and Seungmin were all best friends with Hyunjin despite their differences in relatively everything, from food to how they brushed their teeth, but they had bonded in boy scouts where they had also met Changbin.

It was bound to happen, as Hyunjin and he always met young but died young too; Hyunjin because it was his fate, his curse for loving Changbin, and Changbin because he couldn’t bear with the pain, with the loss, with the countless holes in his heart.

(At first, a life without Hyunjin wasn’t worth living, and then he decided that a life without Hyunjin was his punishment, so he would stay alive just to suffer some more. It didn’t happen a lot though, sorrow usually wore out his resilience as quick as an apple falls off a tree and he always ended up killing himself.)

“Hyunjin’s trial starts in five minutes,” Seungmin informed them around the straw of his soda.

So, they made their way back to the barrier and all sat on the middle bar. Except for Seungmin, who had to stand up to take pictures. It made Changbin smile; Hyunjin had great friends, a loving family and kind people all around him. He was loved by many, just like in all their past lives, and none of them bore malice, unlike in their past lives.

Besides, he had a bright future ahead.

Changbin always felt like the Grim Reaper for taking that away from him.

But he would keep him alive this time.

Alive, with his friends and his family and all the trophies awaiting him.

“Why are you being quiet again?” Seungmin suddenly asked, drawing his attention by kicking his butt.

Sometimes, Changbin forgot that he could talk. When he was a child, his parents took him to see a doctor, and while he had been told that he suffered from selective mutism, he had concluded that his mind was simply too tired to talk. It got better with time, although his friends always nagged that he was too closed off.

“I’m just watching him,” Changbin told Seungmin without looking at him. “And he is watching us,” he added when he saw Hyunjin wave at them with a happy smile. Changbin gave him a thumb up and Hyunjin mouthed a thank you in return.

And then, he stretched, got ready at the starting block— Changbin eyed his butt, the way his muscles were taut because of his position and his eyebrows knitting in concentration. They had a good view of Hyunjin and all the other athletes as they were on the right side of the field, thanks to Seungmin and how he studied the stadium to get the best view for his pictures.

When Hyunjin won first place at the last second, they all shouted in joy. Changbin saw him be hugged by his coach and his team; praised and loved and admired. He saw his parents hug him too near the entrance of the dormitories. 

Before going in, Hyunjin waved at them again.

They decided to leave, so Changbin drove Seungmin and Felix downtown in his father’s old pick-up, and Jisung and him headed to Chan’s place. They had an album to write. This time, Changbin was an underground rapper teaming with his high school friend and an Australian guy they both met on Soundcloud when they were sixteen.

Changbin especially cherished this life because he too grew up in a loving family, he too had good friends and he too had great ambitions. This life wasn’t perfect, the world was on fire— it had always been on fire, but there were a lot of open doors for dreams now.

(Human rights, to be more specific.)

Around five pm, he received a text from Hyunjin who told him that he was celebrating with his family. He sent a picture of the qualifiers’ board with his team placed first and a picture of his face with a toothy smile and sweaty hair. Then, one hour or so later, he got a picture of Hyunjin’s meal and his face where his cheeks were puffed with food.

Changbin sent him a picture of Chan and Jisung listening to music, to which Hyunjin asked to see _his_ face because “we haven’t seen each other in three days :< please!!!” That was the thing with this Hyunjin… He treated Changbin like his boyfriend as if Changbin didn’t already have a girlfriend and hadn’t told him he was straight— only to keep him away, only to keep him safe.

He figured that soulmates simply couldn’t be apart; in hearts, in minds and in bodies. Especially in bodies, because Changbin was craving Hyunjin’s touch all the time and Hyunjin couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

That was what they were.

Soulmates.

Destined to be in love, to only fall in love with each other, to be happy together until destiny flipped the switch and killed one of them. Always the same one. Always the one who couldn’t remember, the one who remained innocent, but who suffered as much when his heart stopped beating.

And for each life, Changbin always tried to defy destiny.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


“Is it a youth hostel or something?” Chan’s girlfriend, Lilly, said while stepping in the living room of her partner’s apartment.

“Yeah, and you’re too old to be here,” Minho bit back, smirking.

Lilly wasn’t that old, just one year older than Chan, but she liked to annoy her boyfriend’s younger friends. She was as fun as she was kind, so every exchange was good-natured. What else should she be doing, anyway? It wasn’t like she could make out with Chan while they were all there making noise.

All, meaning Chan, Minho, Hyunjin, Jisung, Felix and Seungmin.

“Stop it, you two,” Chan told them before they could pursue their banter. 

He flopped down on the armchair with a pleased sigh and Lilly flopped down on his lap because there was nowhere else to sit. The couch was taken by Minho, Changbin and Hyunjin, and everyone else was on the floor playing a board game. They were gathered for Changbin’s birthday party.

“What are you playing?” Lilly asked, leaned to get better view of the board. “Oh, the werewolf game. Who’s the moderator?”

“Me,” Minho answered. He kicked Jisung’s butt. “Don’t cheat!”

And the game went on like that for the rest of the evening. Changbin gave up at some point because he was always accused of being the werewolf and eliminated by the whole village the first round. Hyunjin stopped playing too because he was fed up of everyone seeing through his lies. So, he just snuggled himself into Changbin and watched the others, making comments each time they had to pick a werewolf until Minho and Jisung told him he wasn’t allowed to say anything since he wasn’t playing.

No, they told him to _shut up_ and Minho proceeded to smack Hyunjin’s head with a paper roll, to which Hyunjin loudly whined and curled on Changbin’s lap, his cheek squished against the latter’s thighs. Changbin shoved Minho away after the first three smacks— he had a heavy hand sometimes, and Hyunjin still had the reflex to curl up instead of defending himself.

“Thank you,” Hyunjin mouthed while giving him a smile from below.

Changbin could read his lips. He had learned through time, now he was able to look into his eyes and see through his soul. Figure of speech, he just knew Hyunjin by heart; every shift of his expression, every twitch of his mouth, every flinch of his body, every smile and every breathe. He knew how his whine sounded when he was scared, when he was in pain, when he was aroused, when he was feeling safe.

But he knew everything that was on the surface. Hyunjin remained unique. Each Hyunjin remained unique. Changbin thought he knew all kinds of humans by now, but he still couldn’t put Hyunjin in a box. Maybe because he was in love with him.

Instinctively, he began playing with Hyunjin’s soft hair. It always soothed him, and it made Hyunjin happy. He remembered the first time; they were little boys in a farm, the lightning was striking across the sky and Hyunjin trembled in his arms. Changbin had covered Hyunjin’s ears with his hands, fingers lost in his soft locks. He had kissed the top of his head, too. It had helped, Hyunjin had calmed down and dozed off against him.

Hyunjin’s strands of hair between his fingers soothed him.

Strangely, he felt peaceful in this room full of noisy friends.

It was especially perfect since he wasn’t dating Hyunjin; the younger was alive and smiling on his lap, that was all that mattered.

“I have a gift for you,” Hyunjin told him. He shifted to a sitting position, his legs over one of Changbin’s, and took a tiny wrapper paper out of his pocket. “It’s nothing fancy, but I hope you will like it.”

Changbin unwrapped the gift to find a thin bracelet made of white and red tiny pearls, all in different sizes, but the bigger red pearls were shaped like apples.

“Apples...” Changbin voiced out loud. Hyunjin loved apples.

“I love apples,” Hyunjin said shyly, his cheeks rosy. “We ate apples before kissing, the first time. Do you remember?”

“I remember. Your lips tasted like apples too.” Changbin grinned. 

He would never forget; they were sixteen and Hyunjin dared him for a kiss out of the blue, in the middle of Changbin’s bedroom where they were studying. He wanted to say no, but he couldn’t bring himself to. So, he had stayed silent instead, and then Hyunjin dared _himself_ to kiss Changbin, and he crawled over like a cat and pressed their lips together. Changbin had smiled during the kiss, cupping the back of the younger’s skull and slipping his tongue in his mouth where it tasted sweet like apples.

Hyunjin made him happy. 

He always did.

“Let me help you put it on!” Hyunjin chirped, content to see his gift around the older’s wrist.

“It’s really pretty, I love it,” Changbin told him sincerely. “You made it yourself, right?” Because it did look handmade, and it made the gift even more precious.

“I did, I made one for myself too.” He showed his own bracelet hidden beneath the sleeve of his hoodie. “Happy nineteenth birthday,” he whispered before flopping against Changbin again like he was his designated teddy bear.

Changbin let him, he always let him. Who was he to say no to pretty Hyunjin? Even with a girlfriend— in fact, she didn’t care, she liked Hyunjin and trusted her boyfriend, he would always let him.

“Did you make us couple bracelets?” Changbin asked playfully. “Is there a subliminal message here?”

“The message is quite clear,” Hyunjin retorted. 

Changbin could hear his smile.

“But you know I am taken, right?” Because he had to set boundaries; kissing Hyunjin again was out of the question. For him to live, they couldn’t be together.

“Yes, I’m not stupid,” Hyunjin replied while straightening himself and facing him. He titled his head, whispering: “but you and I know who your heart is beating for.”

“Seriously, stop it.” Changbin frowned, not liking where it was going. They had this argument two times before; the first time when Changbin started dating Soyeon, the second when Changbin kept dating Soyeon. Because Hyunjin was stubborn, he didn’t understand why Changbin, who was in love with him, was dating someone else. It didn’t make sense. Changbin even told him that no, there was no love between them, but Hyunjin simply covered his ears and yelled _liar._

“Fine,” Hyunjin said unceremoniously before sitting on the floor next to Felix and claiming that he wanted to play the moderator.

Minho took his place next to Changbin and draped his arm over his friend’s shoulder.

“Cute bracelet,” he remarked, tapping the pearls.

“Thanks.” Changbin let out a sigh and lolled his head against the back of the couch.

As a comforting gesture, Minho squeezed his shoulder and bumped their knees against one another.

A little after midnight, everyone left. Minho, the only one among the guests who hadn’t been drinking, drove Jisung, Felix and Seungmin back to their respective homes. Chan and Lilly went to sleep, which had left Hyunjin still in the living room with him.

Changbin knew he stayed because he wanted to fix things between them.

“Hyunjin…” Changbin called, and Hyunjin leaned against his leg and rested his chin atop his knee.

He had dark, unwavering eyes, like marbles about to clash with Changbin’s.

“I know you haven’t drank much.”

“You can still sleep here you know.” Changbin hadn’t exactly moved in with Chan, but there was a spare room and that was where he slept most of the time, often with Jisung— their creativity was at its peak during the night, and sometimes with Soyeon.

“And sleep where she slept? No way.” Hyunjin stood up to gather the leftover bottles on the table as well as the empty bags of chips.

Changbin quietly watched him tidy the living room.

“You can sleep on the couch,” he said when the younger returned from the kitchen, mostly to annoy him. He would drive him home, he always did.

“It’s dirty.”

“Then on the floor, we have a spare mattress.”

“Dirty.”

“Then sleep with me on the bed.”

Hyunjin looked at him like he just suggested the stupidest thing. 

See, they had stopped sleeping in the same bed the day Changbin started dating Soyeon.

“You don’t understand...” The younger sighed, frowning, then he unconsciously jutted his lower lip into a slight pout. “Fine, I’ll take a cab.”

Changbin read sadness in his eyes and he knew Hyunjin wanted to be with him a little longer, to talk and sort today’s squabble out.

“Don’t be silly, I’ll drive you.”

In silence, they slipped on their shoes and made their way to the old pick-up a few streets away from the building. Outside, people were going out of bars and chatting animatedly. It was a summer night, so the weather was the best for late night outings with friends. It would have been perfect for a date with Hyunjin, kissing under the starry night and all that sappy shit Changbin always dreamed of. 

He wanted a peaceful life by Hyunjin’s side, that was all.

Even one, just one.

Still in silence, they went in the car. When Changbin drove into an empty alley, Hyunjin spoke.

“What is so wrong with me that you don’t want to be with me?” His voice was small, so soft, so weak, making Hyunjin very vulnerable in Changbin’s eyes.

He couldn’t tell him. He had tried once, it had ended badly.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Changbin began explaining, but he didn’t know what to say to make both of them feel better. Because he always suffered as much as Hyunjin, if not more, since he was the one who would never forget.

“Then… Why are you with her when we both know you love me?”

Changbin gripped the wheel tightly.

“Where do you get the idea that I love you more? I never told you that.” 

Even when they had kissed for the first time, he hadn’t. He had acted like an asshole, he had said: “you’re too pretty for your own good, I kissed back because you smell like a girl. I prefer girls.” Hyunjin had cried. For him, the kiss was magical and perfect, and Changbin had ruined it.

He had given Changbin the silent treatment for one month. Seungmin and Felix had stopped talking to him as well. And finally, Changbin had apologized with flowers; buttercups, Hyunjin’s favorite flower.

“You don’t have to. I can see it in the way you look at me.”

“You’re delusional,” Changbin replied, a tad too aggressive.

“I am delusional?” Hyunjin gasped with his mouth in a cute round shape where his two front teeth showed. “I know when someone wants me! And you do.”

“I am not attracted to boys.”

“You are to me.”

“I’m not the right one for you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Why don’t you just give up?” Changbin snarled. He suddenly applied the brakes because he hadn’t paid attention to the traffic lights that turned red last minute. “There are millions of old fuckers out there waiting to get between your legs.”

“Now you’re being gross on purpose,” Hyunjin quietly said, bringing his feet on the seat and hugging his knees. “I don’t like when you talk like that.” He let himself fall against the window.

“I’m sorry,” Changbin whispered. It was hard to reject the one he never stopped loving, and it was twice as painful to hurt him with inappropriate words. “It’s the second time I hurt you like that. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you, I know you’re just trying to make me dislike you.” Hyunjin still looked out of the window. “It won’t work, just so you know.”

“You’re so stubborn…” 

All the Hyunjins were stubborn. 

“Tell me that I’m wrong,” Hyunjin prompted, looking back at him. “Did I read things wrong all this time? All our adventures at the scout camp, all the times we watched movies sharing my blanket, that one time at the swimming pool when we kissed underwater, when I went with you to sign up for college, when you took me on a ride the first time.” He paused while Changbin pulled over in front of his house and stopped the car. “And it’s just… our hugs. Our hugs don’t lie.”

It wasn’t like Hyunjin would back off, anyway. 

They were soulmates after all. Hyunjin felt the profound need to be together too.

“You’re not wrong,” Changbin replied. “But we can’t be together. Trust me.”

“Why?” Hyunjin lowered his legs and unbuckled his belt, turning his body towards Changbin. “I don’t understand why we can’t be together! There’s something you’re not telling me.”

He was upset.

“I can’t tell you…”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t,” Changbin calmly explained. He put himself in Hyunjin’s shoes; he would be upset too, sad with a tremendous feeling of injustice. “Can’t you respect my choice?”

“What about _my_ feelings?” Hyunjin shout instead. “How can you date anyone on this earth but me? It doesn’t make any sense!”

“If you’re so confused, why don’t you just give up and find someone else? Someone who makes sense.”

A heavy silence fell between them.

With tears gathering in the corner of his eyes and his lips trembling a bit, Hyunjin said: “We are a mistake… We shouldn’t have met.” And then, he got out of the car. 

Before closing the door, he murmured _happy birthday._

It hurt.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. ♡


	2. Chapter 2

  
  


Hyunjin stopped talking to him for two weeks. If he thought they were a mistake, Changbin, who at times thought as much, had to let him go. It was the best for his safety, even though their lives were already intertwined; same friends, same town and same feelings for each other.

  
Without Changbin, Hyunjin would be alive.

But it was painful to be apart.

It felt wrong, so wrong.

Changbin went to class thinking about how destiny viciously played with him, giving him happiness and then taking it away in the most violent ways. He thought about Hyunjin until it hurt too much that he focused on his assignments instead. College was distracting, Jisung was distracting since they were both in Faculty of Literature and Sciences, and so was their music. Music helped him cope; his escapism turned emotions into words and allowed him to express what he had repressed in all his past lives. It figured that he was the one writing love songs.

He was with his two partners-in-crime in the living room, working on an album they hoped would interest a record company. Being underground was cool, but like all aspiring artists, they were thinking on a grand scale.

“I’m thirsty,” Jisung complained as he shook his empty can of coke. “I need more sugar.”

“You won’t be able to sleep if you drink too much,” Chan said absentmindedly, while typing on his keyboard. He was working on a beat with only one ear covered by his headphone.

“Isn’t that the point?” Changbin snorted, and Chan grinned.

“Not tonight, I have to wake up early tomorrow for work,” the oldest of them explained as he stretched out and groaned— Jisung plastered his foot on Chan’s belly to tickle him. It didn’t work, Chan just let him rest his feet on his lap.

“You’re spending more time with your students than with us!” Jisung theatrically whined.

“Well, the pay is good and the kids are nice.” Chan was gifted, graduated one year prior all kids his age and was now giving English lessons to little kids three times a week in a school nearby. He was also giving private lessons for teenagers in need, which altogether allowed him to have a place of his own, a car and a setup.

On top of being a talented, reliable and generous human being, he was also an amazing friend. Changbin wished he had met more people like Chan in his past lives, he would have dealt with everything a little better.

“I’m going home soon then,” Changbin announced, closing his notebook and stretching, which had Jisung extending his foot to tickle him as well.

“Get me coke!”

Changbin grabbed his ankle and Jisung started yelling.

“‘Bin, get him coke,” Chan sighed, exasperated from their antics. He pushed Jisung off him.

Changbin rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen. He took the opportunity to check his messages and reply to Soyeon who was with her friends at the moment. He could see her every day on campus, so it wasn’t like he felt the need to talk to her outside of classes. It made him smile though, the fact that she updated him about her daily life. Soyeon was a brilliant girl, confident and already very independent. Like the final boss in a game.

Besides, she was like him; she needed her space too.

As he was opening the fridge for coke, he wasn’t paying attention to the fuss in the living room. He could faintly hear Jisung saying _yo man, what’s up?_ in an excellent American accent, and soon he felt lean arms snake around his waist, taking him by surprise. He felt a chin claim its place atop his shoulder and a head rub against his own, the familiar touch replacing his surprise with joy.

“Missing me already?” Changbin said with a lopsided grin.

He couldn’t stop grinning, too happy, as Hyunjin was hugging him from behind and whining like a sulky child.

“I missed you everyday,” the younger quietly whined, tightening his hold.

“You did this to yourself,” Changbin pointed out, but he was caressing Hyunjin’s hand with his own.

“I needed to think. Didn’t you miss me?”

“Of course I did,” he replied, turning between Hyunjin’s arms and pinching his cheek. “I’m happy to see you.”

Hyunjin mirrored his smile and followed him in the living room.

“Why are you limping?” Chan asked in the direction of Hyunjin who simply stopped on his tracks.

Changbin frowned and spun on his feet to look at Hynjin’s legs. Around one ankle, a thin bandage.

“How did it happen?”

“Wait, you hurt yourself?” Apparently it was new, given Jisung’s surprise.

“It’s nothing, I just practiced too much. They told me to take some days off until my ankle was feeling better.” Hyunjin gave them a reassuring smile and sat cross-legged on the couch. Like a cat, he placed his hands on his feet and leaned to get a better view of the table. “So, what are you guys doing?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Chan said. “You have to be extra careful with your health and body, especially if you want to become a professional athlete.”

Hyunjin’s lips knotted into a pout.

“I know that, okay? It was an accident!”

“Don’t listen to this shorty, I believe you.” Jisung crawled on the couch to drape his arm around Hyunjin’s shoulders. “I’ll kiss the boo boo better.” He winked.

“I’ll give you a kiss for your birthday,” Hyunjin told him while tapping Jisung’s kissy mouth. “Not before.”

“I thought you were dating Minho,” Changbin nonchalantly said as he threw the can of coke on Jisung’s lap. He would never get over the idea of Hyunjin kissing someone else, even after all this time.

“We’re not dating _yet,_ we’re just friends with benefits.” Jisung shrugged. “So, I’m still a free man.”

While they were chatting in the living room, Changbin took his keys, hung his bag around his shoulder and slipped on his sneakers. Then, he came back and leaned on the door frame. When his eyes met Hyunjin’s, he gestured for him to follow him. 

Carefully, Hyunjin hopped on his feet, limping into the corridor and tying one of his shoelaces while he tucked the other in the side of his sneaker. Changbin offered his hand to help him stand up and they left after saying goodbye.

“Are you inviting me home?” Hyunjin asked while they slowly went downstairs. He wasn’t sure if Changbin still wanted to be his friend after what he had said. He did return the hug, but a hug didn’t magically solve things. “I came here because I missed you. Besides, I wanted to apologize.”

“I know,” Changbin told him as he kept the entrance door open for him. “You’re always welcome home, you know that.” He grabbed Hyunjin’s wrist and pulled him into a hug. “I missed you too.”

Hyunjin melted in his arms.

They stayed like that for long minutes until Changbin’s phone rang. It was his sister, Yubin, asking if he was coming over or not. She was the one cooking today.

He told her he was coming with Hyunjin, so she replied that she would make an extra portion for his athletic boyfriend. It made him smile.

During the ride, Hyunjin told him about his classes which he found boring because all he thought about were nationals. He talked about his daily training at the club, his teammates, Minho’s cats who needed to go on a diet, his own puppy, and how lucky he was that Seungmin was helping him with his assignments.

They arrived home late because of traffic. 

“Hey mom, hey dad,” Changbin greeted when they both stepped inside.

“Hey mom! Hey dad!” Hyunjin greeted loudly with a huge smile. “Hey sister!” He added when he saw Yubin, wrapping his arm around her frail shoulders.

“Hey sons,” Mr. Seo said playfully from his spot behind the kitchen counter.

“Oh Hyunjin, it’s good to see you again,” Mrs. Seo said as she came nearer to cup his cheeks. “The more I see you, the more handsome you become.”

“Does that mean I was not handsome before?” He pouted.

“Of course not,” Mrs. Seo retorted, pinching his cheek and earning a whine. “You were always a pretty little boy.”

While Hyunjin caught up with his family, Changbin went upstairs to drop off his backpack in his bedroom and plug his laptop because he knew Hyunjin would want to watch a movie later. Downstairs, he watched Hyunjin help Yubin dress the table. He fit in well, his family absolutely adored him. Why wouldn’t they? Hyunjin was the sweetest boy he knew. He had always been a sweet boy.

They ate dinner while chatting about nothing and everything— the usual in families. After dinner, Changbin’s mother applied ice cubes onto Hyunjin’s swollen ankle and Changbin cleaned the dishes. Then, Hyunjin dragged Changbin to the garden because he wanted to look at the stars. Changbin loved looking at the stars too, especially with Hyunjin.

(There was this life where Hyunjin sold apples and Changbin crafted swords. They would eat slices of red apples under the starry night. Hyunjin would smear the charcoal on Changbin’s cheeks with his fingers and kiss his lips. Everyday, Hyunjin would bring apples to the smithy, feeding all the boys and girls there, especially Changbin who loved apples just because it reminded him of Hyunjin.)

(A sweet memory.)

They laid down on a blanket in the middle of the garden. 

Mrs. Seo turned on the lanterns above the patio where she and her husband were drinking tea.

“The lanterns are pretty. They look like fireflies,” Hyunjin commented, rolling to his side and looking at Changbin. “Your mom has taste.”

“She does,” Changbin agreed. “She likes you after all.”

Hyunjin pouted.

“You can’t flirt with me and then reject me.”

“Can’t help it…” Changbin looked up at the sky, frowning. “I like you too much.”

“Then why can’t we be together?” Hyunjin’s fingers curled around his bicep. “I’ll stop pursuing you once you tell me, I promise. And we can be like normal friends, and everything will go back to normal.”

Changbin felt his chest constrict, his voice unable to come out. Hyunjin let him, he knew that sometimes Changbin needed time before speaking. He shifted closer, pressing his forehead against Changbin’s shoulder.

Changbin thought about an answer that would solve everything, only such thing didn’t exist in their world. _You’re going to die someday because of me. That’s why we can’t be together. I don’t want you to die._ Love was the sword of Damocles above Hyunjin’s head, and Changbin was at war against destiny, trying to outsmart destiny, to cheat its rules, to keep Hyunjin alive.

“I’m bad for you,” Changbin finally let out. “I can’t tell you why, but I’m really bad for you.”

“Why are you saying that?” Hyunjin asked in a soft, saddened voice. “You’re an amazing friend, you’re always there for us. You’re always so supportive and you listen to our worries. How can you be bad? You always treated me right.”

“I have to treat you right. It is what you deserve,” Changbin told him, turning his head to face him.

Hyunjin died every time. 

Hyunjin went through torture, humiliation. Stain.

Hyunjin deserved to be happy while Changbin could make him happy.

“See? You only want the best for me, and the best for me is you. You will never hurt me.”

“I’m not the one who is going to hurt you.” Changbin thinned his lips, sitting up and running his hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to explain.”

Hyunjin lifted himself next to him.

“What do you mean?” His voice was slowly filling with worry. “What is going to hurt me?”

“I don’t know…”

“There is something you’re not telling me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Is someone blackmailing you?”

“What?”

“They’re telling you they’re going to kill me unless you leave me alone.”

“Sort of.”

“Who are they? I’ll get them first. I can run fast, dodge and I’m strong. I’ll punch them in the face.”

Changbin looked at Hyunjin’s serious face and remembered that time where Hyunjin was a young prince and cut a foe’s throat by a swift slice of his sword. Too bad destiny wasn’t human, Changbin would have beaten it to death before it could reach Hyunjin.

“It’s not a person,” Changbin told him calmly. He cupped the younger’s cheek, and Hyunjin leaned in, rubbing his face against his palm like a cat. “You must think I’m crazy.”

“No, I trust you,” Hyunjin countered with a cute frown. “I think I know what you’re talking about.”

“Really?” Changbin raised an eyebrow.

“Internalized homophobia, I’ve read about it.” Hyunjin’s lips curled into a smile. “It’s okay, I have it too. We can both help each other not be scared.”

Changbin chuckled. His innocence… This boy was absolutely endearing. He couldn’t stay away much longer; his resilience was slowly being torn to shreds. The essence of Hyunjin was deeply imprinted in his person.

“You’re so cute,” Changbin simply said.

“You’re cute too. Let’s be cute together.” His shiny eyes wouldn’t leave Changbin; unwavering, full of love.

Like that, his last piece of resilience fell.

He pinched the younger’s cheek, earning a whine, then tackled him down into a hug.

“How can I stay away from you?” Changbin sighed, hiding his face in the crook of Hyunjin’s neck where it smelled like apples.

He had missed him so much.

“Yay!” Hyunjin chirped as he wrapped himself all around Changbin and held him tight between his arms and legs. “No one can resist me!”

“Maybe if you put a bag over your head, I wouldn’t have a hard time pushing you away.”

“I’d wiggle my butt and you’d still want me.”

“True…”

“Don’t be grumpy. Is it so bad to love me?” Hyunjin demanded, vulnerable.

Changbin knew that he was pouting again. He lifted his head— _touché,_ his mouth popped out like a cute, pink flower.

“It’s bad for my dick,” Changbin deadpanned, which had Hyunjin gasping, his mouth opening to a cute O shape, then smirking.

“I can take care of it.”

Changbin snorted. He rolled off him, so they were now just facing each other, limbs still tangled.

“I have to make things right with Soyeon first,” he said while his eyes darted to the younger’s plump lips. He could feel his breath on his face since they were only centimeters apart— it smelled like his mother’s pudding. “I have to break up with her.”

Hyunjin hummed, bringing his face closer to the point their noses touched.

“I will wait,” he murmured against his mouth.

Changbin felt it, the soft of his lips brushing over his. Not a kiss, just a light touch. Tantalizing. He closed his eyes, taking in the feeling; taking in the warmth of Hyunjin’s body against him; taking in the silence of the night along its soft breeze.

Hyunjin pecked the commissure of his lips.

“Do you still think we’re a mistake?” Changbin stared into these beautiful black orbs. “You said we were a mistake in the car.”

Maybe they were.

Broken soulmates, destiny playing them.

Hyunjin shook his head, a strand of hair falling in his eyes. Changbin tucked it back behind his ear.

“I was hurt when I said that,” Hyunjin replied softly. “You make me happy.” He smiled.

Changbin smiled back.  
  
  
“Look at us, not arguing or hitting each other,” he said with sarcasm. “I finally have a break.”

“Don’t get used to it.” Hyunjin’s face adorned a beautiful, cheeky grin. “I’m sure we’re going to fight tonight because I would have spat on your hand by accident while brushing my teeth.”

“I should spit on your hand too. Or your face.”

He imagined Hyunjin whining and stamping his foot like a petulant child. It happened a few times before, especially at the scout camp.

“Ew!” Hyunjin scrunched his face in disgust. “No way!”

“You’d kiss the toothpaste away.”

“Gross!”

“What gross? It’s your own saliva!”

Changbin pinched his tummy which made him burst into a laughter and roll away. In his movement, he knocked his wrong foot against Changbin’s and let out a painful _aa-h!_

“Fuck, I’m sorry!” Changbin sat up, worried. “How much does it hurt?”

“The pain is fading,” Hyunjin said with a pout. “I hope I’ll heal soon. Nationals are next month.”

“Come here.” Changbin looped his arm under his knees and pulled his legs over his own. 

Like that, Hyunjin curled around him, his head resting on the older’s shoulder. He felt comfortable, he liked Changbin’s arms secured around his middle; he liked being small in a world where he was taller than his closest friends and stronger than them— even stronger than Chan.

“I missed this,” he confessed. “Being together and not doing anything special.”

“We should do that with the others too,” Changbin added, thinking about his time as a boy scout. They lived lots of adventures, memories he will cherish throughout his lives.

“Definitely!” Hyunjin agreed with a beaming smile. “Let’s pretend Seungmin is here with his telescope and is reading the stars for us.”

“Let’s pretend we know what he’s talking about just like we always do,” Changbin snickered in return.

“Let’s pretend Felix is looking at him with adoration.”

“Let’s pretend Jisung is improvising a rap about the Great Bear.”

“Let’s pretend Chan and Lilly are with us too, being gross next to us.”

“Let’s pretend Minho is nearby pretending to be bored while staring at Jisung.”

Hyunjin giggled.

“Do you remember Jisung saying that he had been abducted by the aliens once?” He pointed in the direction the sky. “Felix had believed him.”

“You had believed him too,” Changbin amusedly remarked. “Then, for three weeks you slept at each other’s place just to watch your backs.”

“We were fourteen!”

“Seungmin was fourteen too, and yet…”

“Seungmin would have outsmarted aliens, anyways. That’s why they didn’t want to abduct him.”

“You really believe in aliens?” Changbin asked in surprise. “Seriously?”

“No, not really.” Hyunjin chuckled. “But we can’t be the only ones in the universe, right?”

“I suppose.”

“Do you believe in astrology?”

“No.”

“I do. You know what the horoscope said today? _Pisces, go tell your loved ones that you love them. Sometimes you have to let go of some fights._ That’s why I came to see you today.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Yes,” Hyunjin giggled again, rolling on top of him. “I got you,” he singsung, his face above Changbin’s the way he could just lean in and catch a kiss.

After a brief silence, Changbin got this burning question of his mouth: “Do you believe in soulmates?”

“I do! We are soulmates.”

A smile pulled at the corner of his lips. No matter how many times he asked, Hyunjin’s answer never changed. As a little farm boy, as a prince, as a fruit merchant, as a girl, as everything Hyunjin had been, he had always believed that they were soulmates.

“You’re a hopeless romantic,” Changbin teased, threading his fingers through Hyunjin’s soft, black hair.

“Well, if you want to keep me by your side, you should be one too,” the younger scoffed. “I didn’t leave no stone unturned to boyfriend you for you to neglect me.”

“Is that so?” Changbin cackled, his hands flapping against the blanket. “You just had to bat your eyelashes a few times for me to be yours.”

“I’m that powerful.” Hyunjin grinned smugly.

When it got too cold, they headed inside. They showered one by one, changed into Changbin’s pajamas and played a movie on his laptop. They fell asleep with Hyunjin wrapped all around him, something Changbin would never grow tired of.

Of course, they overslept— it was okay, Sundays were meant for lazy mornings. Yubin woke them at noon, calling them for lunch. They ate in family and after that, his mother slipped a pack of ice cubes in Hyunjin’s sock.

In the bedroom where they were changing, Hyunjin asked:

“Are you gay?”

“No.”

“Are you gay only for me, then?”

He was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, watching Changbin undress with appreciative eyes. 

“Yes? I’m a nineteen-year-old, Hyunjin-sexual boy.”

“What about Soyeon?”

“What about her?”

Hyunjin crossed his arms over his chest, his face adorning a cute frown.

“Did you have sex with her?”

“Yes.”

“What? You didn’t tell me!”

“What I do with my dick is none of your business.” Changbin smirked, pulling on a clean, white t-shirt, but Hyunjin kept staring daggers at him. “C’mon, you’re not a virgin either.”

“I can’t be the only one being honest here,” Hyunjin said seriously. “You know everything about my secrets, yet I don’t know much about yours.”

Changbin hummed, flopping down on the bed where he laid on his back and Hyunjin crawled over like a cat to look at him from above. Changbin lifted his hand to brush the tip of his fingers against his hair.

“I fooled around with Minho once. We were drunk,” he began, bringing his hand down Hyunjin’s arm, curling it around his wrist and pressing in fingers against the bracelet there. “I kissed Chan for a bet… Lilly still has the pictures, it was gross.” He shrugged. “That’s it.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin softly said. “It makes my secrets worse than yours…” He sat back on his heels. “I still regret my first time,” he confessed, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. “I shouldn’t have done it on a whim.”

“I know.” Changbin remembered Hyunjin’s fifteenth birthday. He didn’t want to play the games at the scout camp and had cried when Seungmin confronted him about it. He had had sex with a senior from his running team, in a car out of all places, and he hadn’t remembered if it had felt good or not.

“I should have done it with Jisung instead. Or waited for you.”

Changbin frowned.

“Why?”

“Because it’s better to do it with someone who likes you, right?”

“That guy liked you…”

“Then why do I regret it?” Hyunjin let out a sigh. “I was so stupid back then.”

“I’m sorry that it was a bad experience for you.” Changbin moved to hug him from behind, his cheek against the younger’s squishier one. “Sometimes, it doesn’t go as planned. Or we’re sold things as if they’re amazing all the time, but they don’t fit the reality.” As he was speaking, Hyunjin melted in his arms. “You’re not responsible. You were young, you couldn’t have known better.”

(Changbin knew about that guy, knew that Hyunjin would regret it because he knew Hyunjin by heart; his intentions, his reactions, his emotions. There had been lives wherein he had sheltered Hyunjin too much, to protect him, to keep him safe, and it had gone bad, really bad. So, he had to let Hyunjin live his life this time, even if it hurt him.)

“I know…”

“I’m going to hug your fifteen-year-old self now,” Changbin said while hugging Hyunjin tighter. “I hope he feels comforted.”

Hyunjin chuckled.

“Umm… Yes, he does.”

“What did fifteen-year-old Hyunjin think about fifteen-year-old Changbin?” He spoke against Hyunjin’s cheek, tickling him and earning a cute giggle.

“That Hyunjin was already taller than him!” Hyunjin playfully retorted before pinching him.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


Soyeon arrived on campus at the same time as him. Together, they grabbed coffee and walked towards their building. She had sunglasses on, black lipstick and blue hair— it was pink last week. Her dark circles had deepened too, which wasn’t a surprise given that she was the head of the college’s journal.

“So, what’s up?” She asked as she sat on the bench and moved her bag to her lap to give room for Changbin to sit too. 

She was in a good mood despite having a resting bitch face, exactly like Changbin.

“I don’t know how to phrase it,” he tried, sniffing quickly.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Was all Soyeon asked. She didn’t look upset, though.

“Yes.” Changbin blinked. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like we were overly passionate anyway.”

“I still like you a lot. I’d like to remain friends, if that’s okay with you?”

“Of course,” she said, patting his knee. She smiled. “We got along because we’re kinda the same. We used each other, I think. It’s fine, I’ll find someone else.”

Changbin snorted. Part of the reason why they started dating was because they were both busy people, up front and unromantic— Changbin could only be romantic with Hyunjin. If they wanted something, they would just say it. _Let’s date, let’s have sex, let’s help each other with assignments, let’s get smashed, et cetera._

She was fun too, friendly and confident. A lot of people liked her, finding someone else would be easy.

“I’m glad that you’re taking it like that.”

“Obviously.” She grinned, then looked at him above her sunglasses. “So, are you dumping me for Hyunjin?”

Changbin looked away, annoyed.

“Yes…”

“Well, that’s cute,” she chirped. “You’re dating the nation’s best and most handsome runner.”

“If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were hitting on him through me,” he crowed, his smirk on.

“I’m just being a supportive ex-girlfriend.” She grinned.

Life went as usual: his classes, his rehearsals with Chan and Jisung in their living room, his 3RACHA gig on Saturdays, twice a month at the same bar near the campus— Hyunjin had missed it because of practice. They texted a lot, though. Good mornings and good nights and I miss yous, and gossip about their friends, and discussions about college and its expectations.

Then, came Jisung’s and Felix’s birthdays. They had a party on Wednesday at the same bar— a bar catered to young adults, all their chains of friends were invited to dance and drink and play stupid games. Soyeon was there with her friends and Seungmin’s girlfriend came too with her own friends, and Lilly had invited hers, and there were a lot of college students and strangers too, and Changbin wondered how much Jisung had drank to endure all of that given his social anxiety.

Hyunjin showed up at ten in the evening still in his running attire— red headband, white t-shirt, black shorts, thick socks and sneakers made for runners. His bag was hooked around his shoulder and he looked tired, but he brightened once he saw Jisung tackling him, soon followed by Felix.

He gave them free cinema tickets as gifts and then Jisung asked for his birthday kiss, so Hyunjin gave it to him. A simple smooch that had both of them laughing until Felix asked for one too. In the end, the three of them smooched, and Minho, who was lazily sipping his cocktail next to him, wondered out loud “why are they so dumb?”

Changbin liked how stupid all of them could be together. 

How much they all trusted each other.

How he felt like he had met the best people among all his lives solely because they were good to both Hyunjin and him.

“Binnie, Minho!” Hyunjin called as he sat on a stool next to them. “How are you guys?”

“Drinking orange juice because we gotta drive everyone home,” Minho replied nonchalantly.

“I meant in general,” Hyunjin corrected. He threw an arm over Changbin’s shoulders, leaning his weight on him. “I’m not around much…”

“Classes are fine, and my internship is in two weeks which excites me.” Minho smiled, telling them that he couldn’t wait to be a veterinary assistant and learn on the job. “What about you?”

“I’m sick of eating clean. I miss candy,” Hyunjin complained with a little pout. “The diet is so strict, that’s the only part of the athlete life I don’t like.”

“Your body is your work tool,” Changbin said while patting his thigh. “It will be over after nationals.”

They chatted some more until Lilly and Felix pulled them onto the dance floor. It didn’t last long, though, because Hyunjin took Changbin’s hand exactly three minutes later to pull him outside.

“Can you drive me home?” Hyunjin demanded, tears thickly running down his cheeks. The corners of his lips curled downward in a way Changbin hated to see. “I want to go home.”

“What’s wrong?” Changbin pulled him between his arms, and Hyunjin choked on a sob as he hid his face behind his hands. “Hey, talk to me.”

“I’m just tired,” the younger told him, his voice very small. “They go harder on us because of nationals.” He sniffled, tears running down his cheeks and between his fingers.

“Let’s go home,” Changbin offered, earning a nod.

Hyunjin dried his tears with the back of his hands and Changbin took his bag for him. They went to the pick-up, and when Changbin started the car, Hyunjin sniffled again. He curled on his seat, his body towards Changbin, and said:

“I’m sorry I missed your gig. I wanted to come but practice finished late and coach drove me home.” He rubbed his cheeks. “I’m a bad friend.”

“You’re not a bad friend. Come on, you saw all our previous gigs already. You hear all our songs before everyone else. I’d rather have you not come than pass out. Besides, Minho wasn’t able to come as well.”

“Why?”

“One of his cats got sick.”

“Poor kitty,” Hyunjin pouted. “I didn’t know, I barely opened the groupchat.”

“Yet, you opened my texts.”

That made Hyunjin chuckle.

“I did,” he said, remnants of laughter still in his eyes. “Seungmin’s too, he’s helping me with homework.”

When they arrived home, Hyunjin timidly asked Changbin to stay with him for the night.

Inside, they briefly chatted with Hyunjin’s parents before heading to sleep. Hyunjin flopped down on his bed the moment he got out of the shower, his bathrobe still wrapped around his lean body and his hair still wet. Changbin kicked his butt, but seeing no response his slipped his hand under his bathrobe and squeezed the back of his thigh. Hyunjin whined, then lazily rolled off bed and sat down in front of his wardrobe, slowly peeling his bathrobe off and slipping on clean pajamas.

Then, he crawled in the bed and laid with his arm thrown over Changbin’s middle.

“What are you doing?” He asked sleepily as he watched Changbin type on the keyboard of his laptop— he had brought his school backpack with him.

“My homework.”

“But I’m right here!” He whined again, his brows knitted together. “And you still didn’t ask me out.”

Changbin snorted.

“Why don’t _you_ ask me out?”

“I tried many times and got rejected. You now have to make amends.”

“For what?” Changbin teased him.

“For all the times my heart got broken because of you,” Hyunjin explained with a comical blink of his eyes.

“Alright…” Changbin took a big breath— which made Hyunjin’s face twist in offense. “Baby, will you go out with me?”

“Baby? I’m baby now?”

“Babe…”

“No.”

“Bae.”

“Ew, no!”

“Honey.”

“Stop it!”

Changbin snickered. All the Hyunjins hated pet names, which was strange for someone hopelessly romantic, but that was Hyunjin, full of surprises, all the time.

“Hyunjinnie, will out go out with me?”

“Yes, I’d love that,” Hyunjin happily replied, his face adorning a peaceful smile. “Finally, I have what I want.”

“I have what I want too,” Changbin retorted, threading his hand through Hyunjin’s wet hair. “You’re the most important to me.”

“You really mean that?” 

“Yes, I do.”

Hyunjin hummed, content, and rubbed his face against Changbin’s arm. He made himself comfortable, tucked under the blanket and curled around him, and Changbin played with his hair, watching him quickly fall asleep.

In the morning, Hyunjin’s mother made them breakfast. Hyunjin ate with his puppy on his lap and her leaving kisses all over his face.

Changbin dropped Hyunjin in front of his college and Hyunjin left a kiss on his cheek.

“Let’s see each other on Saturday?” He asked, his eyes twinkling. “Come see me in practice? And then we go to your home, we watch the stars and we sleep the whole Sunday.”

“Deal.”

Changbin cupped his pretty face and kissed his lips; a soft, simple peck.

On Saturday, Changbin left Chan’s place at two in the afternoon and went to the local athletic field where he found Seungmin on a bench snapping pictures of the running team— although it was mostly pictures of Hyunjin.

“Yo,” he greeted the younger boy, sitting next to him and placing his backpack between his legs. “Are you paid for that?”

The running team was stretching a bit farther than them.

“No,” Seungmin replied. “But I like it. I don’t get models like them often. Besides, there’s Hyunjin, so…” He shrugged, giving him a smile.

“Is it for one of your classes?”

Seungmin was in an Art School like Hyunjin and Felix. In Photography, to be more specific. As for Felix, he studied graphic design while Hyunjin chose to be an interior designer— just in case; his dream was still to become a professional athlete.

“Yes. Natural lighting since the weather is good today. Sunny, but not too much. They have great bodies. All the muscles, the sweat and the focus, yada, yada,” the younger boy explained. “He’s looking at us.” He shot a picture.

Changbin looked over where Hyunjin was stretching, his right arm extending above his head and bending behind his back by the help of his free hand. He had a toothy smile on and sweat above his eyebrows, making his skin glow under the sunrays. Beautiful, just like in his dreams, just like in the past.

Changbin grinned back and watched Hyunjin whose eyes darkened in determination as he focused on his stretching. Long muscles taunt; ready to attack.

(A mirror of the time where he was a mere soldier, in love with the young prince able to wield two blades at the same time. The time where Hyunjin was swift with his slices in the air, like he was elegantly dancing with swords, fast and cunning, his face cold like glass, but his eyes burning with fervor. The time where he beat Changbin, stepping on his chest and lifting his chin with the tip of his sword. His head tilted, his eyes sparkling with mischief, a cocky smile on.)

Hyunjin started running along his team, a bit of sand flying behind their feet.

(Changbin was covered in mud, his clothes dirty. Other soldiers applauded, the king did too. No one could beat the prince, he was too clever, too swift, his lithe body perfect for such craft.)

(No one knew that the prince liked the scar across Changbin’s back, the harsh skin of his hands and the hairline under his belly button. Hyunjin kissed like a prince, clean and reserved. Hyunjin made love like a prince; his authority over Changbin, his bossy nature. He had everything, he could have Changbin in all the ways he wanted.)

(Changbin took six months before cutting his own throat after the prince’s death. The pain, unbearable. He choked on his own blood just like Hyunjin did; the pale of his skin darkened by wounds and dirt. Changbin remembered kissing the cold lips of his dead body, promising him vengeance and promising him suicide.)

“I’m curious,” Seungmin suddenly said, his camera on his lap. He was following Hyunjin with his eyes. “Why now? After all this time.”

“I just wanted to have fun,” Changbin shrugged, putting on his _I-am-an-asshole_ coat. An easy lie.

“So you wanted to have sex with all the girls before dating him? I’m not buying that,” Seungmin stated, his voice calm, typical of him.

“It doesn’t matter—”

“It does matter. I was the one comforting him all the times he was crying because you hurt him.”

“I had to,” Changbin simply said.

Seungmin looking at him, bemused.

“You were clearly in love with him. My question is, and fine, assuming that you both were _only_ friends, how can you hurt someone you love?”

“I know it is weird, but trust me. When I say I had to, it means that I had to.” Changbin let out a quiet sigh. He wasn’t mad at Seungmin, especially not for protecting his best friend. He was simply frustrated because he couldn’t explain what was happening to him. Reincarnation, soulmates, unavoidable deaths. No one would believe him. “Hurting him made me feel like shit.”

“Then, what changed? Why now?”

Changbin felt his chest constrict, his voice stuck in his ribcage. He looked at Seungmin and shook his head. The younger boy thinned his lips, then gave him a nod of understanding.

He felt heavy. He could sense it, the sorrow in all their hearts: Seungmin, Felix, Jisung, Minho, Chan, their families, their teachers, the running team, and everyone whose lives were tinted with a bit of Hyunjin.

Hyunjin’s death would destroy them as much as it would destroy him.

He had to keep Hyunjin safe; he had learned through his past failures, he had to try again.

“You’ll tell me someday,” Seungmin murmured. “You shouldn't keep secrets, it’s dangerous.”

Maybe. _Maybe._

When practice ended— Hyunjin fresh out of the shower and in clean clothes, they dropped Seungmin at his place and went home. There, Hyunjin took a nap in Changbin’s bed while he did his homework and then went through his lyrics, through all of 3RACHA’s songs. Hyunjin stirred from his sleep when Changbin accidentally blasted his part in a song called Matroshkya.

“Sorry,” Changbin apologized, petting Hyunjin who had crawled over at the end of the bed to see what was on his computer screen.

“I slept two hours… How was it to be without me for two hours?” Hyunjin grinned, sitting on his heels and ruffling his hair.

“I finally had peace, I finally caught a break.” Changbin smirked as he dodged the pillow Hyunjin had thrown. “Solace for my ears— Yah!” Hyunjin hit him with another pillow, so he grabbed his wrist and as expected Hyunjin whined loudly as if Changbin just had broken his bones. “You should try the acting department.”

He let go of his wrist, Hyunjin giggling against the covers. Changbin jumped on him to tickle him and Hyunjin tickled back, and then wiggly fingers turned into harsh hands. They tried to pin each other down— Changbin did, he pinned Hyunjin down and Hyunjin cupped the back of his skull to pull him down for a kiss.

That was real solace, kissing Hyunjin. His soft breath ghosting over Changbin’s nose, his body still warm from sleep under his own, his tongue wet and curious; he felt like he reached a peace of mind.

He smiled during the kiss which made them part and look at each other. Changbin left a peck on Hyunjin’s forehead as he threaded his hands through his soft hair. 

When he looked back down, Hyunjin had his eyes closed. Pretty and delicate, it was good to touch him again, to simply look at him as he was breathing.

Suddenly, Hyunjin opened his eyes with a kittenish grin and rolled them over. He kissed before leaving the bed because he was hungry, pulling Changbin behind him.

They ate supper as a family, then animatedly played _Uno_ on the patio until it was nine pm and Hyunjin wanted to sleep in the garden. So, they assembled the tent like they did when they were fourteen at the scout camp or during sleepovers with the others. Yubin joined them on blanket outside of the tent and they played _Gonggi_ while drinking iced tea. She was the best, and Hyunjin was the worst, and Changbin’s competitive spirit made him lose the more he tried which made Hyunjin cackle the whole time.

Changbin felt good, laughing a lot and being a nineteen-year-old boy instead of one who was centuries old. 

He forgot, then. 

He forgot about a future that was stormy; a future that was cold and red and empty.

Living in the moment over Destiny.

When Yubin left to sleep, both of them laid in the tent, the front unzipped for them to look at the stars in the black sky. Changbin slipped his hand in Hyunjin’s bigger one, which made the younger turn his head to look at him.

“There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask,” Hyunjin began, his breath a tickle against Changbin’s cheek. “Did you really hate our first kiss?”

“No,” Changbin replied, turning on his side to face him and lay his hand on the slope of his waist. “It was a magical kiss.” He remembered Hyunjin’s words. Magical and perfect.

“You said that to hurt me?” Hyunjin eyebrows knitted in worry. “To keep me away?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry about that, I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

“But you’re fully with me now, right? No backing away.”

“No backing away. Never,” Changbin promised. He leaned to catch Hyunjin’s mouth into a chaste kiss.

“I won’t back off either.” Hyunjin slipped his knee between his thighs and cupped his face for another kiss. “Why do you love me?” He rested his chin on top of Changbin’s chest.

“It’s a secret.” Changbin grinned.

That made the younger pout.

“I can tell you why I love you! But I won’t since yours is a secret.”

“Fine, I’ll tell you if you tell me,” Changbin bargained playfully.

There was only one Hyunjin who told him why she loved him; Hyunjin, the dancer, the girl Changbin made a woman when in turn he became a man. 

(She had said: _I feel like I’m the brightest star in your sky, my lord. I feel like you would conquer the world for me, my lord. I love the way you stand like triumph and authority, I love the fire in your ebony eyes that turns into roses when you look my way. I love you, my lord._ )

(Hyunjin the dancer walked elegantly between the tables where nobles watched the spectacle called _The Apple Tree_. Hyunjin was a beautiful girl with long legs and defined arms. Her tummy was flat and soft, her body covered by a golden chain and white pearls, moving like a snake. She had long black hair tucked behind her little ears, shiny black eyes and a sweet smile.)

(Her breasts were perfect in the hollow of Changbin’s palms, and her butt, firm and perky, fit perfectly on top of Changbin’s lap. She had a thin waist, narrow shoulders, she was small between Changbin’s arms, like a pretty little flower whereas Changbin was the tree able to protect her against the wind— strong like a storm.)

(She was the perfect warm, the perfect wet, the perfect soft, the perfect sweet.)

(Her moans, melodies to Changbin’s ears.)

(Her eyes, full of love.)

Just like Hyunjin now.

“Listen carefully because I’m going to say this only once,” Hyunjin told him while waving his index finger, and then tapping Changbin’s nose. He paused, his cheeks flushing. “Do you remember when Jisung, Felix and I climbed on a big tree? It was in autumn, during the summer camp.”

“Yes. The day you fell on me.”

“Yeah, that day. Anyways, Seungmin scolded us because it was irresponsible. So, I made my way down, and you were there right below me, telling me that you’d catch me if I fell. I yelled that I wouldn't fall until a branch cracked under my feet and I fell and you caught me but you were smaller than me so in the end you got hurt while I didn’t.”

“I’m not following.”

“You’re not listening!” Hyunjin scrunched his face. “You got hurt so I wouldn’t!”

“I would have done the same for the others…”

Hyunjin gasped.

“Then, we’re breaking up!” He said dramatically, rolling away. “You don’t love me more than you love the others.”

Changbin snorted.

“Fine, we’re breaking up,” he teased him, looking at the sky with his arms crossed behind his head. “I’ll find another jock to save from trees.”

“First of all, I’m not a jock,” Hyunjin corrected, rolling back against Changbin and throwing his long leg over his waist.

“Sure, you are.”

“If I’m a jock, then you’re a scary goth!”

“I’m not a goth,” Changbin retorted, offended that Hyunjin would get his fashion style wrong. “I’m a rapper.”

“You could be a goth rapper.” Hyunjin grinned cheekily. Annoying, cute but annoying.

Changbin shugged.

“Anyways, _second of all_ is?” He asked, averting his eyes towards the sky— except that Hyunjin whined and tugged at his shirt, so he looked back at him.

“Second of all,” Hyunjin picked up again. “You always made sure that I wasn’t hurt even though you kept your distance. You encouraged me the first time I tried to make a fire, and when we had this expedition alone in the forest you held my hand. And then, you taught me how to tie a knot because our scoutmasters couldn’t handle thirty kids at the same time… What I want to say is that you always cared so much and you helped me a lot too. You were always there.”

Changbin hummed, petting Hyunjin’s pretty little head.

“That just proves how much _I_ loved you from the start, not _why_ you love me.”

“Because you are fearless. You look at things as if you could beat them up,” Hyunjin replied, looking at him in the eyes. “You don’t let people walk over you, yet you let them have fun at your expense. You’re so skilled and so smart, I know I make fun of you a lot, but I’m so admirative. And other than all of your qualities,” He took a breathe, “I feel like you took my hand the first time we met and never let it go.”

“I’d never let go of your hand.”

“I know. Which leads me to third of all.”

“Third of all?”

“You walk like you have a big… _thing._ ”

Changbin burst out laughing like a hyena, his legs curling and his hands wriggling around.

“That doesn’t mean anything!”

“It means you’re super hot and that I want to have sex with you,” Hyunjin pouted, straddling his hips and pushing Changbin down with his hands flat against his pecs.

“Right now?”

“Unless you don’t want to, of course.”

Changbin hummed, tilting his head and darting his eyes down where Hyunjin sat across his waist, his dick pressing against the curve of the younger’s butt.

“I’m nineteen… This is everything I want,” he voiced quietly, his hands on each of the younger’s hip bones, slipping under his t-shirt— the night was still warm since the tent shielded them from the breeze.

“Sex?”

“You.”

Hyunjin grinned.

“I’m eighteen, this is what I've wanted to do since we kissed the first time.”

Changbin took the sight that befell him, the boy he had never stopped loving, never stopped wanting, always longing, always so hungry for him, so possessive— so creepily possessive.

“Tell me what to do, how you want it,” he suggested, looking up at Hyunjin and caressing the skin of his waist. “I don’t want to do the wrong thing.”

“You won’t,” Hyunjin softly said, leaning down to gently peck his mouth. “Come on, I’m a jock, you said it yourself. I’m not made of sugar.”

“It’s not that…” Changbin tried to explain. He was wounded by the past, by what happened between them that one time, by what he did to him— to her. “Show me.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin whispered, slowly zipping close the tent.

Changbin ran his hands over his back, the t-shirt riding up to his armpits, and pressed his fingers against the bones of his ribcage. Hyunjin ground his hips down and kissed him. A simple kiss at first that turned wetter as Changbin thrust up to meet his movements.

His hands slid down to cup his ass and push until his dick got the right amount of friction, until his breathing shortened and a gleam of sweat appeared above Hyunjin’s eyebrows. He left the younger’s mouth to leave a trail of kisses along his neck, wrapping one arm around his thin waist and keeping him flat against his chest.

Hyunjin was trying to keep his whines down, his voice and breath against the shell of Changbin’s ear, driving the latter crazy. Hyunjin gripped his short hair, pulling his head away from his flushed neck to devour his mouth. Then, Hyunjin slipped his long fingers in his pants to grab his dick and tug at it a few times.

“Touch me,” he groaned against Changbin’s cheek.

Driven by desire, Changbin looped his thumb around the elastic of his sweatpants and pushed it down until he saw Hyunjin’s dick curled against his hip.

Hyunjin pulled him to a sitting position, lining their dicks together; one smaller but thicker than the other. He smiled against Changbin's mouth before licking his palm and jacking them off in a slow pace. While they were hugging each other, Changbin captured Hyunjin’s mouth and thrust up into his hand, taking in the feeling of his flushed dick against his own.

Hyunjin whimpered, unable to kiss properly because he didn’t know how to breath, and he spurted his load fast, soon followed by Changbin whose dick twitched at the sight of the younger’s blissful face; wet lips parted and pupils dilated, eyes clouded like in his steamiest dreams.

They fell back down, Hyunjin still on top of him, catching his breath in the crook of his neck.

In the silence of the night, they heard the wind, a car passing by and the speed of their heartbeats.

“I love you,” Hyunjin broke the silence, looking at him with fond eyes. “You were so tiny and cute back then, but you still protected me. And you’re still smaller than me now, yet you keep me in your arms.”

“I’m not small…” Changbin defended himself as he pinched his cheek. It was true though, he was shorter than Hyunjin, skinnier even. “You’re just a jock.”

“I’m not a jock,” Hyunjin pouted, rolling off. He slapped his shoulder. “You didn’t say it back.”

“I love you too. More than anything.”

Hyunjin hummed sleepily, his face adorning a content smile, and Changbin played with his hair until he fell asleep. Then, he cleaned them with his t-shirt and pulled the covers over their shoulders before falling asleep in turn.

(He dreamt of the past, of Hyunjin the dancer who died with her dress shredded into pieces and blood between her legs; of the bandits around her lifeless body. He dreamt of his hands around their throats, his thumbs in their eyes, his hammer smashing their skulls. He dreamt of the pain, the anger, the despair; Hyunjin cold in his arms.)

The morning, Changbin woke up with Hyunjin’s warm body all over him. His phone indicated noon, so he caressed Hyunjin’s arm to wake him up. The younger stirred and curled around him in a groan; Changbin embraced him in a hug that he happily indulged.

They ate cereal in the kitchen, then lazed around in Changbin’s bedroom— hugging and making out some more before Hyunjin reluctantly left to take a shower. Changbin replied to all his texts, scrolled online, then prepared his clean clothes.

His head was void of negative things, just Hyunjin and his friends and internet memes. He hoped it could stay that way a little longer.

When Hyunjin came back, he flopped down on the bed with a long sigh.

After, Changbin took his shower. When he came back, he saw Hyunjin in the same position, with the addition of a red notebook between his hands.

“Don’t read that,” he warned, ripping the book off the younger’s hold and throwing it in the waste-paper basket next to his desk.

“Why?” Hyunjin asked from where he had flinched away from Changbin, his eyes surprised, hurt. “It was well written, yet very dark. It is yours, right?”

“Yes, forget about it.”

“But—”

“How much did you read?” 

Changbin hadn’t noticed his fists tight against his thighs and his frown deep between his eyes. He must have looked scary, so he tried to calm down.

“Not much…” 

Changbin, clouded by his panic— anger, for letting Hyunjin find that book, didn’t know if it was a lie.

“Okay,” he said in a more gentle tone. “I'm sorry that I yelled at you.”

“It’s fine.” Hyunjin shrugged, although his body was still on the defensive. He thinned his lips, looking at him hesitantly. “Do you hate me? For reading that…”

“No, never.” Changbin pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry, I panicked. This book… is private, but I shouldn’t have gotten angry. Forgive me.”

“Okay.”

“Sorry,” he said as he started to trail kisses along Hyunjin’s throat. “Sorry.” He kissed his cheek, his nose, his other cheek, tiptoeing. “Sorry.” He pecked his lips, smiling apologetically.

Hyunjin giggled.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. ♡


	3. Chapter 3

Hyunjin won first place for the 200 meter-dash in his category— junior. He was all teeth and eyes like crescents moons, his hands clasped together and his back straight, talking to the camera in a soft voice.

All of them jumped in the bleachers, yelling and yelling and yelling.

They jumped over the fence when Hyunjin walked to their side, hugging.

That night, they had sex in Hyunjin’s bedroom. They did it twice, and then lazily made out in the morning. Hyunjin was always warm, tight, his tongue wet, tasting sweet like he always did. He smelled like the little orphan kid who loved apples, he smelled like fruit and straw and leaves. And then he smelled like sweat, like soap, like Changbin.

Life was so peaceful in the following months until Hyunjin hurt his knee during an ice skating race with Seungmin, Felix and Jisung. 

Changbin had been at the shopping center when he got a text from Hyunjin stating “I fell and hurt my knee. I can’t run anymore. Please, don’t break up with me.” Without hesitation, Changbin had rushed to the hospital.

In his hospital bed, Hyunjin looked small. His left leg was lifted and immobilized and his cheeks were red and puffy. Jisung, Felix and Seungmin were there too, trying to cheer him up the best way they could.

When he saw Changbin, he broke down into tears.

“I’m so useless now,” he cried, sniffling and getting angry and trashing his bed. “I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!” 

“Hyunjinnie, calm down,” Changbin told him as he held his hand. Seungmin was holding his other hand and Felix his right leg. “What happened?”

“It’s just a sprain,” Jisung replied in a calming tone, his hand rubbing circles on the hand Seungmin was holding. “Hyunjinnnie, it’s a sprain. It will heal.”

“But I can’t run anymore!” Hyunjin sobbed, now limp in the sheets. “I’m going to be bad again. And it’s all my fault, I should have— been careful—” He hiccuped, his face red and puffy and full of tears.

“You’re going to be okay,” Changbin told him while gently caressing his wet cheek.

“Don’t break up with me,” Hyunjin pleaded. “I know you will!”

It broke Changbin’s heart.

“Why are you saying that?” Seungmin asked, although he was giving Changbin a quizzical look. “No one in this room is going to leave you. Do you hear me?” He told his best friend, brushing his messy hair out of his face.

Hyunjin nodded, still sniffling.

“I won’t break up with you. I promise. Stop thinking that,” Changbin asserted before kissing his forehead. “You’re going to be fine. And you will run again.”

Hyunjin stayed only one night at the hospital before he was able to leave with a knee support, analgesic pills and the order from the doctor to apply a cold compress three times a day. He used crutches the first few days until he threw them away because he hated not being able to walk properly, even if it hurt.

His accident had put his training on standby, had changed his habits, his mood, his body.

He ate less because he didn’t work out anymore.

He talked less because he had more time on his hands, which meant that he was thinking about the accident over and over and over again; the accident and his future and how he now was the worst version of himself. Sedentary, in pain, and frustrated. So frustrated.

He bottled everything up because he didn’t want to worry his friends. He cried a lot at night, hunched under the bed covers while Changbin rubbed his back and stayed awake until the younger fell asleep.

Changbin wondered if it was a warning from destiny.

(There was the time where Changbin found Hyunjin too late; at nineteen, when Hyunjin was a girl addicted to cocaine, with shitty friends and a shittier boyfriend. They met at a record shop, touching the same vinyl and smiling at each other before taking their hands away. Hyunjin had long black hair like Hyunjin the dancer, but her dark circles were deeper. Still, her eyes had this familiar glow that always made Changbin’s heart beat faster.)

(She was innocent, just like in all their past lives. Too innocent, and unprotected, a delicious deer surrounded by hungry wolves. Changbin wanted to fix her, to encourage her to seek professional help, to keep her to himself when he knew the wolves weren’t far. She did want to get better, but a wolf had her under control, his teeth deep around her throat. So, she left Changbin and died there, in a room full of junkies.)

(He had tried to keep her locked, but it was wrong; he wasn’t a wolf. So, he had to let her go, even if it killed him.)

(He found her naked in a bedroom with her syringe still deep in her arm. She had overdosed. She was dead. She was broken. Destiny always broke her. It always broke Changbin too.)

Of course, April showers brought May flowers.

Hyunjin got better, still limping, still thinning, but better. Smiling and giggling at whatever Changbin was saying, at Jisung’s cartoonish face, at Seungmin when he was wearing his Harry Potter glasses and at Felix because his husky laugh was infectious.

He spent more time with them, after all.

“I think the club lost faith in me,” Hyunjin said from his spot on top of Changbin’s bed. He was studying, papiers scattered all around him.

“Why are you saying that?” Changbin spun his desk chair to face him. He too was studying— they liked studying in each other’s company. “Your sprain is totally healed now.”

“I know, but I’m not in a good shape,” Hyunjin pouted, resting his chin in the palms of his hands. “You’re bigger than me now…”

“Oh yeah, I can hold you like a princess.” Changbin smirked, wiggling his eyebrow. 

“Guess who’s the jock now.”

“That’s right, I’m the jock,” Changbin playfully agreed. “A rapper, a jock. So cool.”

“Jeez, what does that make me?” Hyunjin grinned as his legs swung behind him. “A fanboy, a twink. Boring.”

“Not boring for me. Or little me.”

Hyunjin mirrored his cocky expression and crawled over like a cat— very seductive, to straddle him. Instantly, Changbin winded his arms around his waist.

“You should help me work out,” Hyunjin said against his mouth, his pupils dilated by the sexual tension growing between them. “I need to be a jock again.” He ground his ass down Changbin’s dick.

Changbin thrust up while they kissed.

“You taste so good,” he said between kisses, his hand all over the younger’s body; under his t-shirt, inside his shorts.

“Your mom’s pudding,” Hyunjin informed him with a cute grin.

Changbin ran his hand through his hair, cupping the back of his skull and nuzzling his neck where he left licks, kisses and bites. He was hardening in his pants, warmth spreading across his belly, as Hyunjin’s ass kept grinding down deliciously.

They did it on the chair, Changbin kissing Hyunjin’s nipples while he fucked him fast. Hyunjin with his head thrown back, his lips parted and his hands gripping Changbin’s shoulders until it hurt.

When they came, they melted into a hug; their bodies pressed against one another. Hyunjin kissed his forehead before lifting himself and wincing because cum dripped down his thighs. They cleaned themselves and Hyunjin fell back on top of the bed, whining because he was now too tired to study.

“I feel recharged,” Changbin told him with a lopsided grin, getting up and stretching. “Sex is everything.”

“So, that’s all I am for you? Sex?” The younger slipped his foot under his t-shirt and playfully kicked his belly.

“Says the one who sat on my dick.” Changbin caught his ankle, making his long leg bend over himself. That had Hyunjin whining as if in a terrible pain. “Don’t try to play me, I know you can do the splits.”

With his other foot, Hyunjin kicked his thigh to make him topple on the bed too. They wrestled a bit, with Hyunjin ending up pinned down and with his boyfriend’s mouth on his own.

After that, Hyunjin left to use the bathroom, and as Changbin was sitting back at his desk, his bracelet scratched against the border of the table, breaking apart; tiny pearls scattering everywhere.

Another warning, Changbin thought.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


Anxiety slowly meddled with happiness.

It felt like a quiet ocean before the hurricane.

Changbin still didn’t know how to keep Hyunjin alive. How to make things different this time, as opposed to all the other times where he had failed. He had this visceral fear of losing Hyunjin again; pain and happiness, and then anxiety, followed by despair. Same thing again and again with each life. Same holes in his heart, same parts of his soul cracking as Hyunjin was always dying.

Sometimes, he wished he never remembered, just to suffer less, but forgetting Hyunjin was worse penitence. 

Sometimes, he wished Hyunjin remembered, just to give him the choice to be with Changbin or not, but it was better if he didn't. All his deaths, sudden and violent and so, so dark would wound him deeper than it ever wounded Changbin. Memories would scathe Hyunjin’s essence.

Sometimes, he wished he wasn’t so lonely. With this secret of his, with his weird spiral of lives and deaths, he felt so alone. So helpless.

“‘Bin, the marshmallow is melting,” Minho called out from where he was crouching before the campfire.

For Hyunjin’s birthday, they had decided to go camping at the beach. The weather had been on their side, sun and a soft breeze; and their drive to Busan had been fun since they had played _truth or I’m going to hit you, Jisung!_ and also _Uno_ while everyone tried to impersonate 3RACHA’s raps. Two cars— Changbin’s pick-up and Minho’s second-hand car, but it seemed like one since Hyunjin, in Changbin’s car, had video called Jisung, in Minho’s car.

“Can you take care of it? I can’t cook for shit,” Changbin muttered as the candy fell on his lap and burned his thigh.

“I can’t cook for shit either,” Minho replied, taking the stick away from him. “You’re so bad a this. You should focus instead of daydreaming about Hyunjin’s ass.”

“I’m not daydreaming about his ass,” Changbin defended himself. 

He watched Minho melt his marshmallow.

“About my ass then,” the older snickered, offering the candy to his friend who opened his mouth and ate it. “Is it good?”

“Yeah.”

“What were you thinking about, anyways?”

Changbin shrugged.

“Hyunjin.”

“Breaking news. That’s what sex does to you,” Minho said sarcastically, burning a marshmallow for himself.

“Like you would know.”

Minho raised an eyebrow, then elbowed him and pointed at the sea where everyone else was swimming— or trying to drown each other.

“What am I supposed to see?” 

“Jisung’s wet ass,” Minho deadpanned. “My daydream.”

“Yeah, I’m not interested in my teammate’s ass.” Changbin grinned, shifting his eyes to Hyunjin and his lithe body. Somehow, he kept all his muscles despite having stopped training for a few months, but he still looked very delicate in Changbin’s eyes. 

Pretty and delicate and all for Changbin— _What if Hyunjin drowned?_

Changbin couldn’t help those intrusive thoughts from flooding his mind.

“What’s up?” Minho asked, worry ghosting over his face. “You just frowned.”

“Can’t I frown?”

“You can, except there’s nothing to frown about,” he pointed out, inserting a big marshmallow in his mouth.

However, Changbin was very tempted by the offer. He talked about all of his young adult worries to his sister, but he always kept his centuries old worries for himself. Maybe was it time to ask for help? To at least have an outside opinion. Obviously, Changbin couldn’t think properly with the sword of Damocles hanging above his lover’s head; he was living in constant fear.

Minho had been his friend for almost two years. They had met on a bench where they were filling out their registration form for college— Changbin had had just graduated from high school. The queue had been so long that Minho simply asked Changbin, a stranger, if he was hungry. So, they had became best friends over Korean barbecue.

He knew he could trust Minho.

“Hey, don’t eat everything. We want marshmallows too!” Seungmin suddenly nagged behind them. He was wrapped in a towel, followed by Chan and Felix who were drying themselves.

The three of them sat around the campfire, leaving Hyunjin and Jisung still in the water.

Changbin didn’t like that: Hyunjin alone in the water. Sure, Jisung was there, but could Jisung save Hyunjin? He could barely swim. It was getting dark and simply too dangerous, he couldn’t afford having Hyunjin out of his sight in such environment.

He walked over the sea where the two boys were quietly chatting. Yet, upon seeing Changbin’s arrival, they stopped, as if sharing a secret, and Hyunjin shot him a smile.

“We’re grilling marshmallows,” Changbin informed them, knowing that it would titillate their hunger.

He piggy backed Hyunjin to the campfire and let him curl against him when they sat. Hyunjin was wet and shivering, but seemed comfortable in his lover’s arms. He toyed with the bracelet around his wrist; the one he had given Changbin after he broke his own.

(Hyunjin had said, “if you’re not wearing it, then what’s the point? I made it for you. Here, take mine. I’ll make another for myself.”)

They snacked, played the werewolf game and listened to 3RACHA’s new tracks.

Everything was perfect, Changbin thought. The perfect life, his dream life.

At midnight, Hyunjin, with Felix and Seungmin went to sleep in one of the two tents they had put together in the sand. Changbin watched him sleep, hands in his pocket and head tilted, wondering why destiny was _such a bitch_ with someone so innocent, so angelic.

(Hyunjin had always slept with his mouth slightly open and his cheek squished against the pillow. His respiration quiet and slow, and the lashes of his eyes casting tiny shadows across his cheeks. He had always looked vulnerable.)

“Don’t be a creep. Even I don’t watch Lilly sleep,” Chan remarked playfully, sipping diet coke.

“What’s so wrong with admiring beauty?” Changbin quipped with a grin.

“You have all your life for that,” Jisung said, stretching until his feet kicked both Chan and Minho.

_All your life for that._

Changbin remained quiet. Everywhere he went, he wore gloom like a coat. Everything was a reminder that Hyunjin would die soon.

“What?” Chan asked, noticing his silence.

“What, what?” Jisung looked up to where Changbin was still standing stiff, eyes dark and lips thinned. “Come on man, sit down.”

Slowly, he sat next to Minho and pressed his knees up against the inside of his elbows. The pressure, although painful, grounded him.

“You’ve been weird ever since you started dating Hyunjinnie,” Chan said, both of his eyebrows raised. “You look like an obsessive ex.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Changbin said nonchalantly.

“Oh, wow. Why are you so pissed off?” Chan frowned as he was getting angry. “I’m not saying that to hurt you. I’m just worried.”

Changbin let his head loll in the void between his legs.

“I know. Sorry,” he apologized.

They didn’t know, it wasn’t their fault.

“Maybe if you told us what’s gotten into you?” Minho suggested, wrapping his arm around his best friend’s shoulders. 

“I’m just stressed about classes, is all,” he replied, returning to his initial position.

“Stressed about classes? You have the best scores, you know everything,” Jisung said, half scrolling his phone, half listening to them. “Don’t lie to us, that’s not what friends do.”

“Changbin, you either talk or I say things to your face. You choose,” Chan told him without malice.

“Why are you being so pushy?” Changbin groaned. “I told you it was stress.”

“And we think you are lying.” Chan explained, leaning back in his foldable seat. “Listen, you don’t seem alright. You’re one of my closest friends and I want to help you. I wish you’d feel comfortable enough to tell us what’s bugging you…”

“That’s right,” Jisung agreed without looking up. “You treat our jock friend like he was made of sugar. Which leads me to ask—”

“Ji’, I wasn’t done talking…” Chan sighed.

“Why did he beg you to not break up after he got his sprain?” Jisung made a comical face.

Changbin took a long breath, then fell backward against the sand with a groan. His hands rubbed his face and he pressed his wrists against his eyeballs; enjoyable pain.

“Seriously… How long have you guys been analyzing me?”

“As long as forever. I analyze everyone to be clear,” Chan replied. Minho shot him a look so he added: “I’m the oldest, that’s my job, although I wasn’t talking about you.”

“Is all this shit about the book Hyunjin found in your bedroom?” Jisung had set his phone aside by now.

Instantly, Changbin froze, his eyes fixed on the black sky.

“What book?” Minho asked, shaking his friend’s shoulder. “Porn?”

“No, not porn,” Jisung replied instead of Changbin. “Apparently, Changbin likes writing novels.”

“That’s great?” Chan voiced in a pleasant surprise. “You’re a good writer so—”

“It’s not what you guys think,” Changbin suddenly said, sitting back. “Those aren’t novels— You can’t understand. I can’t tell you.”

“Trust us,” Minho told him, bumping their knees together. “We trust you, so trust us back.”

Changbin looked at the tent, a few meters away, where the three boys were still asleep. Hyunjin was sleeping peacefully, snuggled into Felix; safe.

He had to try to tell them, even though they wouldn’t believe him. 

For Hyunjin, he had to.

“Please, try to believe me…” He murmured, anxiety quickly spreading in his body. “Hyunjin and I, we are soulmates.”

“What a surprise,” Minho said, giving him an encouraging smile. “Hyunjinnie is saying that all the time.”

“No— I mean, we are soulmates. Our fates are linked. Reincarnation, all that shit.”

“What?” Jisung shot him a quizzical look while Chan remained impassive.

“Before calling me crazy, listen,” he began carefully, narrating all his past lives. But as he was speaking, he felt himself burning like a matchstick. Fire flooding in his veins, like he was reviving everything again. “We are born, we meet, we kiss and he dies. All the time. I can never save him, I try and I fail, and he always fucking dies, it’s always too late.” He rubbed his clammy hands against his eyeballs, diverting the pain in his heart elsewhere. “You don’t have to believe me, but you have to protect Hyunjin. Please, promise me that you’ll be looking after him.”

His sigh flew into the silence like a paper plane.

They were looking at him without any emotion, but Changbin could read worry and perplexity in their eyes. He didn’t expect them to believe him, they were all very down-to-earth after all, yet he hoped his story would plant seeds in their minds.

“You’re either absolutely insane or absolutely genius,” Chan told him after a while, as his arms stayed crossed over his chest. He leaned forward, looking at Changbin in the eyes. “I've known you for so long, though. So, I don’t think you’re lying… But it all sounds so surreal.”

“I believe you,” Minho stated all of sudden. “Chan is right, it sounds insane, but I can see that you’re freaked out at the idea of losing Hyunjin.”

“Anyone could die at any moment…” Jisung said, biting his bottom lip. “Not just Hyunjin.”

“I know that.” Changbin frowned. “But Hyunjin dies because of _me_. I’ve seen him dead so many times, I’ve seen him be murdered, raped— I don’t care if you don’t believe me. Just be careful whenever you’re with him.”

He was on the verge of tears, frustrated that everything was always falling apart, that there was nothing he could do. He gripped his hair tightly, his toes curling painfully in the sand. Everything was against them, life itself was against them. 

Anxiety, despair, pain kept coming, reaching within, swamping him until it was all dark.

“Changbin,” he heard Minho call. “Don’t cry.” He was rubbing his back.

“Hey, man,” Jisung said, crouching before him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to cry.”

It was odd, him crying. 

A sight they had never seen before.

“You don’t understand how powerless I am,” he groaned, swallowing his tears. “It keeps happening, each time. I hate it, and I don’t know what to do anymore.” He pressed his fingers into his eyes. The only thing that could divert the ache. “That’s why I’m telling you this now. I need help. I really need help.”

He felt Chan next to him.

“I believe you,” he heard him say in a soothing voice.

If Chan wanted to make him feel better, it worked, because if they pretended to believe him, it meant that they cared.

“Does he know?” Minho asked.

“He just thinks Changbin is writing novels,” Jisung replied. “He said you had an incredible talent because the stories felt really real. The words you used, the emotions… He also felt uncomfortable reading it, sometimes.”

Changbin looked up at them.

“He probably didn’t read all of it. It’s better, he can’t read about the way he dies all the time. It’s the worst thing. Really the worst thing.”

“How many reincarnations?” Chan demanded. “Do you always meet young?”

“I think… This one is the eleventh life. I stopped counting, to be honest.” He unconsciously inserted the nail of his thumb in his forearm. “Sometimes I kill myself before meeting him. I don’t even know if it keeps him alive…” Fat tears gathered in the corner of his eyes.

“How long does he live?”

“He never got past twenty three,” he sobbed. His chest constricting again, like he was trapped between walls he couldn’t climb, unable to flee this sinking feeling— distress.

They felt it too, his distress.

“That’s… that’s in four years,” Jisung gasped, horrified.

“It doesn’t mean that twenty three is the limit,” Chan countered.

“I don’t want Hyunjin to die!” Jisung shout, panicking. “Fuck, it can’t happen. It can’t be true. You’re crazy. None of this is real!”

“Ji’, calm down,” Minho told him gently. He grabbed his forearm, grounding him. “He won’t die.”

“Changbin said he will!”

Changbin looked at Jisung, then at Chan and Minho trying to calm him down, and he thought that he was cursed. A bane. He was rotten and he was now putrefying them.

Then, Jisung was crying too, curled in Minho’s arms.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


Changbin felt lean arms snake around his waist, pulling him backwards into a hug.

“I’m on time!” Hyunjin chirped in his ear, rubbing their heads together. “Coach Jinyoung let me leave practice earlier this time.”

They were backstage, in the waiting room, ten minutes before 3RACHA’s first concert with ticketing and neon lights and all those effects that took weeks to prepare. They had gathered enough money to rent a hall through all their small gigs at bars and through their fans’ support on social media. Now, all they needed was luck to sign with a label. 

“I’m glad you came,” Changbin told him before pecking his plump lips. “You taste like salt.”

“I didn’t have time to take a shower. I would have been late then!”

“It’s okay, I like salt.”

“You hate salt,” Hyunjin corrected with a cheeky grin. He then proceeded to rub his sweaty cheek against Changbin’s clean one. “But you like me.”

“You’re so gross.” Changbin pinched him, making Hyunjin flinch away and break their hug. “Where are the others, anyway?” He asked while fixing his baseball cap on top of his head and tucking his t-shirt in his black jeans.

“I saw Chan making out with Lilly in the hallway,” the younger replied with a scrunch of his nose. “I never saw so much tongue in my life.”

“Straight privilege,” Changbin quipped. “They can fuck in public and no one gives a shit.”

“Aw, you’re already so worked up.” Hyunjin smiled, resting his chin atop his boyfriend’s shoulder and hugging him again. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel amazing.” It was the truth. He felt powerful, he knew he was good, spitting his lines like a beast and giving everyone a death stare, finally able to let out all his bottled up anger. “I can’t wait to go on stage.”

“There are so many people out there. You guys already have a lot of fans.”

“So many fangirls… All for us, a third for me,” he crowed, feeling himself and looking at Hyunjin through the mirror.

The younger gave him an unimpressed look.

“Maybe you want that straight privilege after all,” Hyunjin nonchalantly said before unwrapping himself. “It’s okay, I’ll find a rich, chivalrous man in the crowd…”

Changbin spun on his feet to push the younger against the wall and kissed him.

“You’re mine, mine only,” he stated, jealous, as Hyunjin adorned a kittenish grin and cupped his face. Even though he knew they were only bantering, the idea of his precious boy being with someone else made him sick. 

“Don’t even try flirting with a girl tonight,” Hyunjin warned him, tapping his nose with his index finger. “Even during _Wow._ Chan is the one marketed to straight girls, anyway.” He smiled, kissing Changbin one more time. “See you later.”

During the concert, the crowd was wild: friends, familiar fans and people they had never seen before. They were cheering and jumping, dubbing their lines that were way too fast for them to follow.

Hyunjin had these shiny eyes, full of admiration and joy. He was yelling _woo, woo, wooo!!_ with Felix and flailing his hands everywhere like a little kid.

Changbin was living his best life.

When the concert ended, they celebrated with their staff, namely Seungmin, the photographer; Changbin’s sister who took care of the accounting; and Lilly who uploaded everything on social media. They took selfies and Hyunjin uploaded one with Changbin on his instagram account: _I have the best bf!! @spearb @3racha_

At home, they kissed until their mouths were sore.

Curled in the sheets, Hyunjin fell asleep beneath the moonlight illuminating only half of the bedroom, and as Changbin took pictures of him, he realized something: 21st century stored all the data. Twenty-first witnessed everything. Pictures were eternal, Hyunjin’s articles in the news were eternal, their social media accounts were eternal.

Next life, if their friends lived long enough, Changbin could simply make a call. _Hey, I’m Changbin. Do you remember me? I am born again._ It freaked him out like after those eerie, mindfuck movies about time travel or about talking to the dead. Chills ran over his skin like spiders, cold flooded in his veins, he closed his eyes. Those dark movies had always made him uncomfortable because they were surreal.

However, he was real, it was real.

He chased those creepy thoughts away. Reincarnation remained random, most of the time Changbin didn’t know what era he was born in. He believed that destiny was well done, like perfect rotary gears. Changbin would always live his romance and his misfortune without his lives intertwining.

Hyunjin stirred beside him, opening his eyes and extending his hand to tug at his shirt.

“Come sleep, my favorite rapper,” he whispered with a little, sleepy smile.

(“Come sleep, my lord,” Hyunjin the dancer had told him. “I want to listen to your heartbeats.”)

(“Come sleep, soldier,” Hyunjin the prince had once told him. “You don’t have to guard me, I’m a mere boy during the night.”)

(“Come sleep, Binnie,” Hyunjin the orphan had told him many, many times. “I’m scared to sleep alone.”)

“I love you so much,” he told Hyunjin, caressing his hair and kissing his nose.

“I love you too,” the younger replied, snuggling into him. “Now, sleep!”

Changbin fell asleep with Hyunjin’s minty breath ghosting over his mouth.

They slept until ten, then ate and got prepared to walk Hyunjin’s dog in the park near the neighborhood.

Outside welcomed them with its soft breeze and its little sunshine. They held hands while walking and Changbin’s held Kkami’s leash. People didn’t pay attention to them in this part of the city that was emptier, quieter; more appeasing. 

When they entered the park, they sat on a bench by the river and loosened the leash for Kkami to run farther than usual. As Changbin watched the dog go away from him, he asked:

“Why do you make me hold the leash? Kkami hates me.”

“He has to get used to you. You’re my boyfriend,” Hyunjin replied while texting. 

He was grinning, so Changbin knew it was either Jisung, Felix or Seungmin texting him back.

“But why does he bark at me? I just want to be his friend.”

“Probably because there’s your scent all over me. I was his territory before we started dating, you know?”

“He barked even before we started dating…”

Hyunjin eyed him.

“He’s a dog, he barks at my dad when he hugs my mom too long.”

“So, he thinks you’re my female,” Changbin teased, grinning and quirking an eyebrow.

Hyunjin scrunched his face in disgust.

“You’re watching too much porn.”

“I don’t watch porn.”

“You’re spending too much time in the boys’ locker room then.”

“That’s you, not me. You’re the jock here.”

“See, I’m a jock, not your female,” Hyunjin quipped, clicking his tongue against his palate, his smile wide. He rested his head on his shoulder, giggling.

Changbin couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

“What are you doing online, anyways?”

“Looking at comments under my articles.”

“And what does it say?”

“There’s someone calling me a fag.” He pouted, his shoulders slumping a bit. “Ever since I posted pictures with you, I’ve received some rude comments. Like, they don’t know about us, but even so, what does my sexuality have to do with my skills?”

“Delete or report,” Changbin said, patting his thigh. “They’re jealous, don’t listen to them.”

“But… They know who I am…” He said in a small voice.

A part of Changbin’s mind filled in panic; homophobic people could assault Hyunjin.

“You’re with me. Nothing will happen to you,” he reassured the younger— and himself, his hand tight around the his toned thigh. “It’s just mean words from brainless chicken-hearted scamps.”

Hyunjin snorted.

“Where does that even come from? You read too many old books. No wonder you’re good at writing.”

“What can I say,” Changbin bragged, forcing a smile. He had to be twenty again. Only a twenty-year-old boy with a lot of pride and a silly mouth. “I’m good at everything.”

“You are,” Hyunjin hummed as leaned to peck his lips. “Except at height. Shorty,” Hyunjin added affectionately, his tongue peeking between his teeth.

Pricked in his ego, Changbin pinched his thigh, earning a squeak from Hyunjin who fell on the other side of the bench with his arms flailing comically around him.

“No kiss for a week.”

“I was joking!” Hyunjin sat up and winded his arm around his shoulders, the playful spark in his eyes still present. “I like your height, it’s made for me. For hugs and for my chin on top of your head.” But upon hearing Changbin’s sigh, he pouted. “I said I liked your height.”

“Okay, okay. I like your height too, I was always a fan of giraffes.”

“I’m not even that tall!” Hyunjin gasped, his mouth opening to a round shape as only his two front teeth were showing.

Changbin snickered.

“I like baby giraffes too, don’t worry. Baby…” He teased the younger, patting his thigh again.

“You’re calling me baby now?”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds like Chan… And all boys ever.”

“Well, given that I’m also a boy…”

Hyunjin’s kittenish smile foretold that their little banter wasn’t over yet.

“Since you’re so good at everything, you should find me an original nickname.”

“Um…” Changbin hummed, looking around. He had only called Hyunjin by his name or his title. He had called dancer Hyunjin buttercup because her hair always adorned those tiny yellow flowers, except words lost some of their meaning with time. “Petal.” Hyunjin’s rosy cheeks always reminded him of the soft color of flower petals.

“That’s very cute,” Hyunjin told him softly. “I like it.” He kissed him, slotting their palms together and pulled him up. “You’re precious to me too.”

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


At nine in the evening, Changbin took the trash out. They had been eating takeout, and of course he had lost at rock paper scissors, as unlucky as he had always been at games. So, now he was climbing up the stairs to Chan’s flat with his dirty hands stretched out before him.

He rang the doorbell by a push of his elbow. Waited. Rang again. Then, rolled his eyes because bullying Changbin was their favorite hobby. He heard Hyunjin cackle inside. _What an ass,_ he thought. Still too cute of an ass for him to get angry at, though.

After what felt like long, frustrating minutes, Hyunjin opened the door with an apologetic smile.

“It wasn’t my idea, I promise.”

“Out of my way,” Changbin said instead, stepping inside and bumping into Hyunjin who let out a theatrical whine.

He saw the younger run into the living room and seat himself on Jisung’s lap. It was so noisy, typical of them since they couldn’t keep quiet for too long. Music and their voices and the sound of the bags of chips being passed around. Felix’s deep voice echoing in the little flat. Minho’s loud and creepy laugh.

It was fun, his favorite life, really.

He went to wash his hands in the kitchen, drying them and… Coming face to face with Seungmin.

“Congrats,” the younger told him.

Right, they were doing this little party to celebrate their newly contract with a record label.

“Thanks?” Changbin replied, confused because Seungmin had congratulated them earlier this day. “What’s up?”

“I have to talk to you about your notebook,” Seungmin explained quietly. He looked over his shoulder to see if someone was listening, but all their friends were too far to hear them. “I’ve read it.”

“Okay.” Changbin hopped on the table, taking a soda from the pack thrown on the table and opening it. “I’m all ears.”

He had handed Seungmin the notebook a few weeks ago, when they both came to one of Hyunjin’s practice sessions, and he had told Seungmin, “this is the secret I’ve been keeping.” Seungmin had only nodded, observing the cover, red and torn like it had lived longer than him, and then carefully slipped it in his bag.

“Part of me believes you, another part of me, the rational one, doesn’t,” Seungmin began, leaning against the kitchen counter and looking at him in the eyes. “It all sounds like fiction, a really good novel, well written with historical accuracies we had never learned at school. But it felt so real, it was so dark… Not sensational dark, it was just so gloomy and sad. I wanted to cry. Hyunjin…” Seungmin paused, thinning his lips, averting his eyes. “You wouldn’t write such sad story for fun. It would be unfair to him, it would be so morbid if you did.”

“I know.”

Seungmin looked back at him.

“I've known you since boy scouts. You’re good to us, a reliable friend. You’re a good person, you always want to be the best for us even if you’re only one year older,” Seungmin continued. “I know you’re sane. You never lie, you always keep your promises. You’re also rational, like me. I trust you… I can only believe you.” His voice had quietened until it was a mere whisper. “But I don’t want Hyunjin to die, so I’m holding on to the part of me that can’t believe you, because I’m in denial. I don’t want him to die. He can’t die. He won’t.”

“I wish it wasn’t real too…” Changbin said in a defeated voice. “I only want to keep him safe.”

“I know, you care so much about him.” Seungmin walked closer to squeeze his shoulder. “I do too, I just want all of us to live long and happy.”

“This is what I want too… That’s why I tried to stay away, but…” Changbin gripped his can of soda tightly, watching the liquid slowly brim over. “I am physically and emotionally unable to live without him. As… All of him. I swear, I tried.”

“I know you did. You were all over girls, yet you would only look at Hyunjin like he was everything to you.”

“He is everything to me.”

“You’re everything to him too, you know? I honestly don’t know how he would react if you broke up with him.” Seungmin sighed, looking over his shoulder to where their friends were chatting animatedly in the living room. “Listen to me,” he said, looking back at him. “I don’t think it’s a matter of dating. This _thing_ doesn’t care about labels, it just does its _thing_.” He frowned, titling his head, thinking. “You can’t apply logic here. It just happens…”

“No matter what I do…”

“Yes. It’s frustrating, I want to help too… Break the spell or something.”

Changbin snorted.

“I don’t even remember meeting a witch,” he voiced half in earnest, half in jest. “We were kids in a farm, nothing much happened until…”

“I know.” Seungmin squeezed his shoulder again. “You said that he never got past twenty three, but it doesn’t mean that he would die young this time. He is healthy, in shape, and we have doctors, security, if we are careful… I mean, we’re all here to keep a close eye on him.”

Changbin gave him a smile, he appreciated his friend’s optimism despite the fact that Seungmin didn’t totally believe him. He didn’t need conviction as long as they cared.

“Thank you.”

“You should tell him, though. He deserves to know.”

“He shouldn’t know… He shouldn’t read about his deaths.”

“And I’m telling you that sheltering him too much isn’t helpful.”

“He can freak out, he can get paranoid, he can… He can remember,” Changbin frowned at the thought that just appeared in his mind. “What if he remembers while reading everything?”

“You still have to take the risk. Come on, he deserves your honesty.”

Changbin nodded as a response.

They went in the living room and Hyunjin moved to Changbin’s lap when he sat on the couch next to them. He was always making himself small in Changbin’s hold, curled and giddy and cuddly. Although Changbin didn’t want to break his innocence, Hyunjin deserved his say in their story.

A bit after midnight, they both went to Changbin’s home. They quietly made their way to his bedroom, the wooden floor cold against their bare feet, and slipped into bed as soon as they had a wash.

Since spring had left a pleasurable warmth in the room, Hyunjin threw his leg over the back of Changbin’s thighs instead of wrapping himself all around him— it was way too warm otherwise. He still needed the touch, he couldn’t sleep without physical contact because he was worried about being left alone.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Changbin said sleepily against his pillow, no response. He opened his eyes to see Hyunjin staring at him. Then, he felt him remove his leg and turn on his back. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“What did you and Seungmin talk about? He looked anxious, and you talked for so long.”

Changbin shifted closer to wrap his arm around his middle and bring him against his chest.

“Nothing important.”

“Is Seungmin okay?” Hyujin asked in a small voice filled with worry. “He doesn’t really talk to me about his problems… I’m not the best advisor.”

“Seungmin is okay—”

“I’ll text him,” he said stubbornly. “He has to know he can count on me too.”

“He knows he can count on you, I told you it was nothing.”

But Hyunjin had already reached for his phone, quickly typing with a focused frown.

“He said that it wasn’t about him. He said to ask you.” As he spoke, he sat cross-legged on the covers. “What’s happening?”

Changbin lifted himself in turn, facing him.

“It’s not the right time.”

“I’m not sleeping until you tell me,” Hyunjin stated, his brows still knitted together. “You’re keeping secrets from me again?”

“We don’t have to tell everything to each other, you know,” Changbin protested, ticked off.

“Indeed, we don’t have to, unless those secrets are about me.”

“Hyunjin, please. Let’s talk tomorrow, I just want to sleep.”

“Then, sleep alone,” Hyunjin quietly said before getting up and looking for his clothes.

“Are you being serious right now? Can’t you wait a few hours?” Changbin stood up too, blocking the access to the door.

“I’ve waited months already. It’s about your notebook, isn’t it?” The younger demanded. He walked closer and cupped his face. “Tell me truth. The little I’ve read freaked me out.”

Changbin held his thin wrists in his hands, detaching them from his face.

“Not here, everyone is sleeping. Let’s go in the garden.”

Changbin had no other choice, it was now or never. He took the notebook with him, followed Hyunjin on the patio and sat next to him on the three steps leading to the garden. 

“I mostly wrote to get everything out of my head. It was easier to make sense of it,” he explained as he placed the notebook on the younger’s lap. “We are soulmates.”

“Soulmates…” Hyunjin repeated, opening the first page. “I don’t understand, I just feel like I’m your muse. I think we are soulmates too, but I know it’s because I’m a romantic… Everyone teases me about it.”

“You can read the first pages,” Changbin encouraged him. He watched Hyunjin’s eyes concentrate on the story about them as two orphans meeting for the first time. He looked pretty beneath the moonlight and the dim lanterns of the patio. Pretty and vulnerable.

“Why did you kill me off?” Hyunjin asked after finishing the first story. “Couldn’t we grow happily and have a farm of our own?” He wore sad eyes and a little pout.

“No, we couldn’t. You died, I didn’t kill you off. This happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“It happened for real. It was our first life together,” Changbin explained carefully, his head resting in the hollow of his palm, looking at his precious boy. “We are soulmates, we are reincarnated each time we die.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Hyunjin adorned an anxious smile. “You’re trying to scare me.”

“No, I’m telling you the truth.”

“This is crazy,” he murmured, gripping the notebook between his hands. “You shouldn’t be doing this, trying to scare me like that. I don’t like it.”

“It’s not a joke, I promise.” Changbin lifted his hand to touch him, give him a comforting squeeze, only for Hyunjin to flinch away. “Petal…”

“You’re freaking me out. These things don’t exist!” He threw the notebook in the garden like it had just burned him. “It’s not possible!”

Changbin stayed where he was seated, his head between his hands, gripping his hair tightly to ground himself. He knew this would happen, it was only natural. He himself felt like he was crazy when he had reincarnated the first time; with his past feelings still beating in his heart, his negative emotions pulsating in his veins like he was about to explode from too much sorrow, too much despair.

“Hyunjin, please… I’m not lying to you,” he pleaded, on the verge of tears again. He couldn’t take it anymore, it was killing him from the inside. How was he supposed to make sense of a thing that didn’t make any sense in the first place? Senseless, nameless, faceless. Destiny.

“Why am I dying all the time?” He heard Hyunjin say, his voice breaking the silence, farther away from where he was supposed to be, next to him.

Changbin shot his head up to see his boy squatting in the dark of the garden, with the notebook in his hands again. He looked tiny and vulnerable, his shorts and t-shirt too white, shadows all around. It scared him, so he quickly walked over to pull him towards the patio.

“Sit here.”

“Why am I dying all the time?” He repeated, distressed. “It’s not funny.” He let go of the notebook and hugged his knees to his chest.

“I don’t know. I wish you wouldn’t die,” Changbin told him in a whisper. “I want you to be alive with me and to live long with me. And with our families.”

Hyunjin shot him an anxious look.

“So this is true…” He murmured, black pools of eyes wide, void of their usual spark. “All my nightmares… It’s all true.”

“Your nightmares?” Changbin blinked. He had never noticed that Hyunjin had nightmares. It tore a bigger hole in his heart.

“It always felt so real, I always woke up crying,” he let out, curling up even more, like he was defenseless, at the world’s mercy.

Changbin draped his arm around him, brought him against his chest, hooked his chin over the younger’s shoulder, rubbed his back— Hyunjin began sobbing, trembling in his hold.

“Hyunjin…”

“I don’t want to die again.”

“I don’t want you to die either. I will always keep you safe.”

“You can’t keep me safe,” the younger breathed, his sobs now silence. “Nothing will change, it will always hurt. I’ll get tortured again and you’ll kill yourself again because you can’t bear the pain.”

“How do you know that?” Changbin asked, confused because Hyunjin hadn’t read everything yet. Not the full story, not all of Changbin’s suicides.

“I guessed,” Hyunjin looked back at him, his eyes puffy and red and so, so sad. “You can’t live without me.”

“I… We are connected,” Changbin spoke while wiping the younger’s wet cheeks with the back of his knuckles. “I’m unhappy without you. It hurts. There’s no point.”

Hyunjin hummed, then leaned in to kiss him.

“That’s why you tried to push me away,” he softly said. “To protect me.”

“I tried to stay away but… Your essence is imprinted on me.” Changbin brushed his rosy cheeks gently. “I wish we could live only once. Live old and happy and together.”

“Why? Don’t you want to see me anymore?” Hyunjin asked, his lips curling downward.

“No, this is not what I meant…”

“Did you love me very much? Each time?”

“Yes. I never stopped loving you.”

“I don’t want to die,” Hyunjin sniffled, hiding his face in Changbin chest. “I want to be a professional athlete and kiss my rapper boyfriend everyday. I want to adopt pets with you. Hamsters and bunnies. I want to travel, we never went on a rollercoaster… I want to go on a rollercoaster with you— I don’t want to die.”

“Don’t cry…” Changbin kissed the top of his head. He felt somehow relieved, now that Hyunjin knew the truth and believed him. They could work it out together… Prepare themselves for his death, as gloomy as it sounded.

“I’m tired,” the younger whined, his voice thick of mucus.

“Let’s go back to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”

Hyunjin nodded.

They stopped in the kitchen to get some tissues, then went to bed, breathing slowly in the silence like something colorful had been lifted out of their bodies. Hyunjin stirred beside and curled around him like he was small and needed protection.

“I can’t sleep. Tell me about our stories,” he murmured against the curve of his chest. “My nightmares are short. I only get the feeling, not the full story.”

“Are you sure?”

“Just tell me about the happy moments.”

Changbin nuzzled the soft of his hair, the smell sweet like apples.

“Okay.”

So then, he narrated their stories from the start. When they had first met, their first kiss, their first time in bed— although it had also happened under trees or surrounded by flower fields. Their adventures; climbing trees, feeding sheep, riding horses, picking flowers, dancing shyly, eating lemon cakes, training with swords, fighting foes, listening to music, sleeping together while the thunder rumbled in the sky.

Hyunjin had hummed at the cute parts, crowed when he told prince Hyunjin was able to cut a man’s chest open, gasped when he had been told he was a girl half of their lives, but hummed contently again because they had such adventurous lives, all different yet always the same since they did everything together.

(There is this story he had never written, had always tried to push it in the depths of his mind. The time when he was bad for Hyunjin, where he locked her under the belief that it would keep her safe, where he made her life a misery; filled with fear and cries. Destiny had worked differently then, it had made Changbin the murderer.)

(This life had to be kept hidden.)

“Was I the same all the time? Were you?”

“Yeah, you were always cute and annoying. And I was always bragging and trying to get into your pants.” Changbin grinned, running his fingers through the younger’s hair.

“Did i not try to get into your pants as well?”

“You did when you were a prince. You ordered me around all the time, even in bed.”

“Was I a good prince? Did my people like me?”

“They did love you. You were cold when needed, but you were also adorable. You had a small head, so they had to fix your crown all the time as you were growing up. It was funny.” Hyunjin looked up at him, pouting. “You did that a lot too, each time your crown slipped down to your eyes in fact.”

He tapped his puckered lips for emphasize, dodging the younger’s sneaky tongue that had tried to lick him.

“I wish I remembered,” Hyunjin hummed softly. “Even the bad parts.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s part of us? It’s not fair to you that I never remember anything… You always suffer alone.”

“It’s okay if it means that you’re preserved from all the trauma.”

Hyunjin shifted above him, locking eyes with him and frowning.

“I care about your well being just as much you care about mine. I’m here for you too, so I don’t want to be kept unspoiled. Got it?”

“Yes, my lord,” Changbin agreed playfully.

Hyunjin hit his chest, yet a satisfied smile bloomed on his face.

“Tell me about when I was a was girl again.”

As Changbin narrated their story once more, Hyunjin fell asleep top of his chest while he, himself, fell asleep before reaching the end of the story, before Hyunjin’s lifeless body laid in the corridor of his castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. ♡


	4. Chapter 4

_“Like a tear-stained face being dried by the breeze,”_

— Charles Baudelaire, Flowers of Evil.

  
  


“What if I ruin your car?” Hyunjin bit his bottom lip, his hands tight around the wheel of Changbin’s pick-up car. “What if I crash into a tree?”

They were in an empty parking lot at eleven in the morning, Hyunjin had wanted to get his driving license— not liking the idea that Changbin had to pick him up here and there, even if it didn’t bother the latter at all, but he was prone to give in under panic which made him very anxious.

“You won’t,” Changbin reassured him by patting his leg. “Start slowly, I am here to guide you.”

“Will you make me pay if I destroy your car?” Hyunjin insisted, giving him a prissy look from the corner of his eyes. “Given that I’m your soulmate…”

Changbin snorted.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that we are more than married. Your stuff is mine and vice versa. So, my debts will be yours as well.”

“Yeah, I don’t see a wedding ring around my finger, do I?” He retorted with a smirk, tapping the younger’s thigh once again.

“You have my bracelet,” Hyunjin pointed out. “I don’t know if you noticed, but that’s basically our wedding contract.”

“I figured as much.” Changbin stuck out his tongue, smug. Hyunjin was all action and no words, wrapping Changbin around his finger and wrapping himself around him to assert his dominance. “Anyways, you should start the car now.”

Hyunjin took a deep breath, his eyes focusing on his task, and started the engine while applying pressure on the clutch.

In the end, despite stalling many times, Hyunjin managed to slowly drive across the parking lot. He followed Changbin’s instructions, trying not to tell him to keep quiet because he had a short attention span and needed his full focus on their fictional road.

“How do you even run with all the supporters screaming in the bleachers, then?” Changbin asked once the younger turned off the contact and leaned back in his seat, limp and speechless after such precise task that was driving.

“It’s different, I let adrenaline flood through my veins. Makes me keep running,” Hyunjin explained, unbuckling his belt. “Here, I can’t spam the pedals with my feet, can I?”

“Nope,” Changbin laughed. “But you did it, see? You managed to drive.”

He got out of the car and opened the door for Hyunjin who let himself fall in his arms for a hug.

“I prefer when you drive,” the younger said against the shell of his ear. “It’s sexy.”

Changbin hummed and pinned Hyunjin against the car to kiss him. They melted in the kiss, it was almost summer and the soft heat helped spread another kind of warmth within their bodies.

“I want to do something stupid,” Hyunjin breathed against his mouth, his hips deliciously bucking up against his boyfriend’s. “I want to have sex in your car.”

“Now?”

“No one is around,” he whispered before licking along Changbin’s lips. “Nothing’s stopping us.” He rubbed their noses together. “Let us have this.”

Changbin wondered if survival tinted everything they were doing now. Like there wasn’t much time left, as depressing as it sounded, so they wanted to make the most of it. Cherishing each moment and doing reckless things— which was unlike them, being two young boys, horny and in love. Hyunjin on top of him, riding him in the backseat with one of his clammy hands pressing against the window while the other pressed Changbin down, his palm flat against his pectorals.

After that— after quick, yet intense sex in a car, they joined the others for Korean barbecue.

Minho cut Hyunjin’s meat extra small, and Hyunjin gave him a deeply affected smile in exchange.

“Why do you all have eyebrow slits?” Seungmin nagged, eyeing Chan, Changbin and Jisung one by one. “Is it part of your branding or something?”

“Correct,” Chan replied, loudly sipping his drink.

“Next thing I know, you’re all wearing pig masks or something.”

“That would be cool!” Jisung exclaimed as he munched on meat, his cheeks round and full.

“We’re not wearing masks. How are we supposed to rap then?” Changbin pipped in. “We’re not a metal band, come on.”

“We could be disruptive,” Jisung said smugly. He tried to take a piece of meat Felix was handing him with chopsticks, but the piece fell in a soup and splashed Minho. “Sorry man…” He still laughed, accompanied by the whole table. “Don’t get mad!” He added when he saw the older’s emotionless face.

“Why am I friends with children?” Minho voiced in a calm, too calm— scary, voice.

“Because you’re Changbin’s best friend.”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Changbin defended himself when Minho looked daggers at him. “I didn’t ask you to befriend _my_ friends. You did this to yourself.”

“Too bad you all need someone to cut your meat for you,” Minho quipped, smirking.

When they finished eating, they went to the theater to see the latest blockbuster, sharing popcorn and soda drinks— even though half of them had cut down sugar for their diets— and holding hands because Hyunjin couldn’t go a day without the physical contact that always made him feel safe; Changbin would never grow tired of the feeling of his long fingers between his short ones.

It was Saturday, so after the movie ended, Changbin drove Hyunjin to practice while he went to Chan’s place with Jisung to compose music. Life went on as normal between classes, practice and hanging out from time to time.

Hyunjin had never lost his spirit. He remained the same sweet, bratty and silly boy he had always been, if not more hyper— especially paired with Jisung or Felix. He stayed focused on his dream of becoming an athlete, meticulous and resolute, and laughing loudly when he spotted them in the bleachers. It was as if he forgot, perhaps for the better.

On the other hand, Changbin tried to live as a twenty-year-old boy without intrusive thoughts getting in the way. At this point, so young and disarmed in the face of destiny, he could only accept his fate and make the best of it just like he had always done before; living his best life with Hyunjin.

However, chasing away their fate didn’t mean it was easy. Hyunjin always woke him up after a nightmare, tugging at his shirt and sobbing quietly in the dark of their bedroom. He always asked for stories. He always hugged Changbin tighter and longer as if he would disappear. He always told him to live after his death, pleading.

Changbin’s heart swayed towards two sides; one bursting with love, the other bursting with sorrow. Sometimes, his heart stayed still and that was when he didn’t know what to do anymore. He wanted to feel happy or to feel sad, and not be drowned in a constant fear preventing him from living his life fully or from falling into a pit of doom. 

He’d rather _feel_ than be in doubt.

“You’re quiet again,” he heard Hyunjin say from his spot on the desk chair, spinning and spinning and spinning with a pen in his mouth and flashcards missing to fall from his lap.

“I’m studying.”

“No, you’re thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.”

“I can’t help it,” Changbin groaned as he let his head fall in his arms where he was sprawled on the bed. “I wish I could.”

He heard Hyunjin moving from his chair and felt the bed dip next to him. Soon, Hyunjin’s hand carded through his short hair, and he was enveloped in his warmth

“What can I do?” Hyunjin hummed, leaving a kiss on his shoulder and still massaging his scalp. “Tell me what I can do to help you.”

“Um… I don’t—” But he felt Hyunjin’s hand slipping under his shirt, so instead he said: “Sex won’t fix anything, you know.”

“It doesn’t,” Hyunjin agreed, now his whole forearm resting along the dip of his backbone. “But it feels good.” He straddled his hips, sitting on his butt, and pulled up his t-shirt. “Fine, I’ll give you a massage then!”

“You’re too clumsy with your hands,” Changbin snorted. He looked over his shoulder to see Hyunjin’s pout, to which he raised an eyebrow and his pout turned into a playful grin; his tongue pushed the inside of his cheek like Changbin’s dick would sometimes slip in his mouth. “I said clumsy with your hands, not your mouth.”

“Well, you don’t complain when I use my hands to play with your junior,” Hyunjin crowed, slowly sliding his hands up his back. “Now, shut up and enjoy!” He said before getting up— and slapping his butt— to get oil from the bathroom.

When he got back, he seated himself on top of Changbin’s butt again, and began massaging his back with his oiled hands. To his surprise, Hyunjin’s hand felt great against his skin; unknotting his muscles, applying pressure where it felt good, and leaving a kiss on the nape of his neck.

“How come you’re so good?” Changbin voiced in an appreciative tone. He felt so relaxed.

“Coach Jinyoung taught me.”

“Coach Jinyoung?”

“Yes, my coach.”

Changbin peered behind to meet Hyunjin’s innocent eyes.

“Your coach is doing _that_ to you?”

“That? Massaging?”

“You’re sitting on my butt,” Changbin pointed out. “Does your coach sit on your butt too?”

“Maybe,” Hyunjin trailed innocently, although his eyes sparked with mischief.

Changbin blinked in disbelief. Hyunjin’s coach was a handsome, elegant and _fucking_ built man with a deep voice and a charming smile. Well, he was hot to say it curtly, because Hyunjin had always had a crush on this man ever since he joined his club.

“Trust me, you don’t want to see me jealous,” Changbin said, trying to sound playful, except that jealousy really started to rile him up. “Is he touching you like that?”

“Aw, come on,” Hyunjin whined, leaning to lay on top of him, his chin between Changbin’s shoulder blades. “He sits beside me and massages my limbs when it’s sore, that’s all. He sees me as a child, nothing else.”

“He taught you well…”

“And look who is enjoying my massage now,” he teased in a way Changbin could hear his smile. He rolled off, snuggling into him. “But it’s fair, I’m jealous too when I see you surrounded by girls who love 3RACHA.”

“Why aren’t jealous of our fanboys?” Changbin asked as he shifted on his side, facing the younger.

“Because you dated Soyeon… I feel like girls are an easier pick for you,” Hyunjin explained calmly. “Makes life easier in general, you know? While I’m a complication as a boy and… As someone who’s going to die.”

“Don’t say it.” Changbin let out a painful sigh, closing his eyes and rubbing his face against the covers. “I hate hearing it.”

“You have to promise me that you’re going to live after I die,” Hyunjin asserted, lifting himself on his elbows. “They will lose me, they can’t lose you too.”

“Stop it.”

“Promise me.”

“Hyunjin…”

“Promise me!”

Changbin looked back at him, angry.

“No. You don’t know how much it hurts.”

“You have to. You can’t stop living because of me.”

“I wish I had a choice,” Changbin shout, getting out of the bed and walking around his room with his hands on his hips. He had to calm down. “But I don’t have one, neither do you.”

Hyunjin stood up, mirroring his posture.

“You have the choice. Stay alive and make your dream come true. Besides, you’re almost there.”

“No. I’m not saying this because I don’t want to, but because I am unable to.”

Hyunjin walked to him and cupped his cheeks.

“You won’t be alone this time. Our friends, our families, they will be there.”

“I will try…” Changbin let out, although he had no faith in himself. “I promise.”

“Okay,” the younger nodded, smiling and kissing his forehead. “You deserve to be happy.”

_You deserve to be happy too._

That was the first time Changbin regretted not pushing Hyunjin away. He should have killed himself the first time they met at boy scouts.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


For Changbin’s birthday, they went to the beach again. They ate takeout, played in the water the whole afternoon, grilled marshmallows, then laid side by side on the towels to look at the stars. Seungmin was going on about his knowledge, just like they used to do when they were teenagers, pointing out starts and taking pictures of the beach.

At some point, Hyunjin exclaimed:

“Who’s in for a midnight swim?”

He stood up, hands on his hips.

“It’s too cold right now,” Seungmin said, bundled up in a sweater.

“It’s good for our health!”

“Pass,” Minho informed him, squeezed between Jisung and Felix who had their heads on his chest.

“Whatever.” Stubborn, Hyunjin pivoted on his bare feet towards the sea, but Changbin caught his ankle. “I want to swim!”

“It’s too cold.”

“It’s summer!”

“It’s still too cold,” Seungmin insisted, backing the older. “You’ll catch a cold, even if it’s summer.”

“It’s okay, Binnie will keep me warm when I come back—”

“It’s too dark,” Changbin said, pulling him by his ankle to make him fall backwards. “It’s dangerous.”

“I’ll come with you,” Chan announced as he stood up and wrapped his arm around the younger’s shoulder. “I’m not letting you go alone.”

“The last one in the sea pays for tomorrow’s breakfast!” Jisung shouted before stripping off his hoodie and running towards the sea. Felix imitated him, and then Hyunjin ran to catch them, followed by Chan.

“I’m not going, but I’m not paying either,” Seungmin said nonchalantly.

“It’s alright, I’ll pay,” Minho told them. He eyed Changbin who was scanning the sea where the boys were struggling against the waves. “Hey, it’s safe out there.”

“You never know…” Changbin frowned, this trauma never leaving him alone.

“Do you want to go watch him?”

Changbin pondered over the question for a long time before making up his mind.

“No, it’s fine. Everything is fine.” Changbin flopped back down on the towel, looking at the starry sky again.

(If he did, he would be exactly like that time where he locked Hyunjin in a room; a controlling freak, himself controlled by fear.)

The others came back the same way they went in the sea: running. Hyunjin ran until he reached Changbin, trembled like a leaf and decided to sit on his lap to keep himself warm. Changbin caught him in a towel before he could wet him all over.

After they were all dressed warmly, Jisung had the amazing idea to play _truth or dare._

“What about dare or dare?” Felix suggested, taking an empty water bottle and spinning it on the sand. “We all know our truths, it’s not fun.”

“I’m not playing,” Chan said, laid on his belly and typing on his phone. “I’m straight.”

“What does being straight have to do with a game?” Hyunjin scoffed at him. “You’re just scared I’ll dare you to kiss Jisung’s feet.”

“That’s exactly why I won’t play either,” Minho told them with bored eyes.

“As you wish, cowards.” Felix smirked. “Changbin, you’re playing, right? You’re a scout like us, you’re one of us!”

“Oh, I will,” Changbin crowed with a lopsided grin. “There’s nothing I can’t do.”

“Okay, y’all can watch the youth have fun, then.” Jisung rolled up his sleeves theatrically, spinning the bottle that pointed at Seungmin. “I dare you to put twelve marshmallows into your mouth.”

Seungmin laughed half in earnest, half in jest and proceeded to insert the candies in his mouth while Hyunjin and Felix recorded him and his puffy cheeks and his drool, and the snot running from his nose because he had choked. He spit everything in a plastic bag Minho handed him with a disgusted face.

“My turn,” Seungmin said before spinning the bottle that pointed at Minho. “I dare you to kiss Changbin.”

“I’m not playing,” Minho reminded them.

“Yeah, he is not playing,” Changbin confirmed, glancing at Minho warily.

“Maybe I am playing after all,” his best friend quipped in a creepy tone. “Come here.” He made an exaggerated kissy mouth, crawling over Changbin while fluttering his lashes.

“No!” Changbin protested, trying to get away, except Hyunjin and Felix were holding him still.

“On the mouth!” Seungmin said victoriously as Changbin’s misfortune made him happy.

So, Minho plastered his mouth on his best friend’s who just gave up, limp in their arms.

It went on like that, playing and drinking, getting drunker with each sip, and then Felix dared Jisung to kiss Hyunjin. What was was supposed to be a simple smooch turned into full makeout because they were both drunk and Jisung was now totally on top of his friend. Changbin pulled him away— Hyunjin laughed because _kissing Jiji was soooo weird!!_ and they decided to call it a night.

In the morning, Changbin woke up second after Chan, and together they tidied the place around the two tents. They waited until the others awakened while scrolling over their phone, sitting on the two camping chairs they had brought with them.

When Hyunjin woke up, he sat on Changbin’s lap and hugged him, resting his chin atop his boyfriend’s head.

“You’re so comfy,” he let out sleepily. “You’re always so comfy.”

“I’m glad that I’m multi-function. Boyfriend, chair…” Changbin trailed sarcastically.

Hyunjin giggled.

“Is it that bad? Am I that heavy?”

“No, you’re just a feather to me,” Changbin bragged. He had more muscles, thicker with better reflexes— except when it came to running, that was Hyunjin’s field. Besides, holding Hyunjin was normal occurrence; it was familiar.

“Remember when you were a feather. Tiny and cute, you had small hands, like a baby.”

“Well, I remember when _you_ were tiny and cute, you fit on my lap like a baby.”

“When was that?” Hyunjin asked, looking at him. “With dancer Hyunjin?”

“Yes. You were a tiny girl, tiny waist, tiny wrists, narrow shoulders. Long legs, though. And nice boobs. You liked to hug me all the time.”

“Wow, she must have been hot.”

“She? You were her.”

“How was I as a girl?” Hyunjin smiled, lopsided and pretty. “Was I leading you by the nose back then?”

“Yeah…” Changbin admitted with a sigh.

“You were just smitten,” Hyunjin snickered, cat-like eyes and mischievous smile adorning his face. “I wish I remembered how we were in our past lives. I’d like to know if we loved each other the same.” He squished his cheek against the older’s temple.

“I always love you the same. If not stronger each time, even though it’s not possible since I have you under my skin,” Changbin told him, playing with the hem of Hyunjin’s shorts. “I guess it’s different for you because you’re always… Reset? So, you always take time falling in love with me.”

Hyunjin hummed.

“How does it feel seeing me not know you or with someone else? I know there are lives wherein we aren’t together…”

“Um… Let’s say that I’m used to it.”

“I’m sorry that I never remember you,” Hyunjin murmured, tilting Changbin’s chin up with one finger and kissing him softly.

On the way back home, Hyunjin curled his hand around Changbin’s thigh the whole ride. 

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


In the kitchen, Changbin cut the strawberries in two while Hyunjin looked over his shoulder, hugging him from the back.

“You’re supposed to peel the apples,” Changbin told him. They were making a fruit salad for his sister who was taking a nap upstairs— she had caught a cold from having a snowball fight with him in the garden a few days ago.

“I can’t, you said that I was clumsy with my hands before.”

“Do you think I’m better?” He asked pointedly, looking at the weird shapes of the strawberries he had just sliced in three. “It’s not supposed to look good… We’re going to eat everything anyways.”

“But…” By the way Hyunjin voiced it, Changbin knew he was pouting. “I missed you and you’re so warm.”

Changbin let go of the knife and wiped his hand on his t-shirt. This was their first time together in three weeks; too long for them who had naturally developed a codependent relationship. Hyunjin had been busy with practice as usual— athletes never stopped, and Changbin with his debut. 

They mostly missed the touches, seeking comfort in each other by just holding hands or hugging. Hyunjin needed physical affection the most, simple touches like fingers brushing his hair or the opposite, clinging onto Changbin until he riled him up enough that they end up having sex.

“Is everything alright?” Changbin asked as he turned to face Hyunjin who simply cupped his face and kissed him.

“I miss you, is all.” 

Hyunjin pulled him towards a chair and straddled him when Changbin sat. He kept kissing him quietly, without a smile in the kiss like it used to be, something that happened only when the younger got too much on his mind. So, Changbin broke the kiss, earning a little frown from his boyfriend.

“Come on, tell me,” Changbin prompted, rubbing circles on his waist where his hands were resting.

Hyunjin averted his eyes for a second, thinking.

“I had a nightmare, a new one,” he finally said as his shoulder slumped.

Changbin felt Hyunjin’s body empty out of its energy while his own tensed.

“What do you mean?”

“A nightmare about one of our pasts. A life you never told me about…”

There were many; the worst lives.

“Which one?”

“I know there is a life in which I die alone with a needle,” Hyunjin gently explained, his thumbs caressing the nape of his neck. “But… In this one, you’re the one killing me.”

“I’m sorry you remember that.” Changbin closed his eyes, chasing away all these ugly images that were coming at once. There was a reason why he had blotted up the memory of Hyunjin’s murder; he simply couldn’t live with it, couldn’t forgive himself. The worst life, the one without love, only fear. “I wish you didn’t, because I don’t want to remember that.”

“I’m sure you had a reason,” Hyunjin said in a reassuring tone.

“No,” he whispered, hurt. “I didn’t…”

_(I strangled you to death. I kept you away, locked and at my mercy, thinking destiny couldn’t come knocking at our door. But destiny did, I was destiny and I killed you._ )

“You couldn’t be a bad person,” Hyunjin reasoned.

“What I did was wrong, I regret it. I am sorry.” That was also why the younger should never remember: he shouldn’t be tainted by all the bad, all the sorrow, all the despair. It put holes in Changbin’s head and Hyunjin deserve to be reincarnated immaculate, without nightmares wounding him. “Please, don’t ask me what happened.”

“Okay, I won’t.” Hyunjin pressed their foreheads together. “You promise it won’t happen again? It is scary.”

“I promise I’ll never do that again,” Changbin promised as he wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s waist. He buried his face in the crook of his neck, taking in his scent and warmth. He would never be able to come to terms with their fate, but he would try to make Hyunjin happy each time. He would.

They hugged in the silence of the kitchen until Yubin’s the footsteps echoed in the stairs. She raised an eyebrow when she saw them.

“Hi sister!” Hyunjin greeted her with a smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Better… Why isn’t my salad done?” Her voice was thick from the cold. “You got carried away again, uh?” She teased them, sitting down at the table and picking the slices of apples Hyunjin was cutting earlier.

“Well, I missed your brother,” Hyunjin told her, resting his chin atop Changbin’s head.

“Didn’t you miss your sister too?”

“I did, but… It’s not the same,” he whispered conspiratorially.

Changbin slapped his butt, earning a pout.

“Don’t corrupt my sister’s mind.”

She laughed. 

So, they prepared the salad together— Hyunjin’s orange splashed his face when he tried to peel it, and ate watching a romcom.

Later, when it was time to sleep and every family member went to bed, Hyunjin laid beside him without initiating a touch. Worried as to why he was uncharacteristically distant, Changbin turned on the bedside lamp and sat against the headboard, pulling Hyunjin up with him.

“Come on. Speak.”

Hyunjin hugged his knees, his lips knotting into a slight pout. Changbin didn’t like how his eyes lost their usual spark. Hyunjin’s eyes were like beautiful, black marbles, always shining with emotions. The absence of it was worrisome, Changbin knew him too well; last life, Hyunjin had thrown herself back into bad people’s arms and had overdosed.

“It’s just…” Hyunjin tried to explain, but bit his lip instead. “What’s the point?”

“What’s the point of what?”

“Of living.” He looked at him with eyes brimming with sorrow. “I have a dream that I could never achieve because I’m going to die soon. I go to school, and it’s so hard, and I don’t see you as often anymore, and all of that doesn’t matter because I’m going to die anyway.”

“Hyunjin… I—” His voice got stuck in his throat. 

This sounded like someone with a terminal disease he saw in movies, except that it was real and there was nothing romantic about death. Besides, he didn’t know what to say, what Hyunjin needed to hear, because that was the curse of knowing their fate, Changbin had been there before: despair eating him alive until… Until nothing because nothing could be done.

The reason he was holding on was Hyunjin: his love, his happiness and his existence.

“I’m not asking for an answer,” Hyunjin softly said, pressing himself against him and linking their arms. He rested his head on his shoulder; the fragrance of his shampoo ghosting over Changbin’s nose. “I’m not giving up either, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

That was exactly what Changbin was thinking.

“I need to say it so it stops being played in a loop in my mind,” Hyunjin continued. “It’s not how I should be thinking, I am gifted with many lives with you and that makes me happy. You know it makes me happy, right? Knowing that we will be together forever. But…” He pouted, Changbin could hear it; he pouted and hugged his arm tighter. “I wish we wouldn’t be separated so violently, I want to live long because our life is perfect. We have our friends and we are close to achieve our dreams.”

Changbin leaned his head on top of Hyunjin’s and curled his hand around his knee that was resting against his own.

“Go on,” he let out.

“Sometimes, I think about how I’ll die. It gets dark and scary,” Hyunjin carried on in a soft voice. “Sometimes, I don’t care— No, most of the time, I don’t care. I just want to live happily, fuck destiny.” It made Changbin smile. “This is just one of those days where I care. It will pass, I promise.”

“Okay.” Changbin rubbed his head against Hyunjin’s. “Is there something I can do?”

Hyunjin hummed, untangling himself and facing him.

“It’s been three weeks…” He trailed before capturing his lips and straddling him.

Changbin wrapped him in his arms, and they kissed for a long time, wet and hungry until their lips were sore. They undressed, not completely, but their pants were low enough to allow them sex; Hyunjin still on top of him, riding him, then letting Changbin roll them over to fuck him rougher than usual. They bit each other to stay quiet, leaving marks where they liked— necks, shoulders, sometimes their hands, and then caught their breaths in the dark of the room.

“It’s weird,” Hyunjin murmured sleepily. “It feels surreal.”

“I does.”

They fell asleep with Hyunjin listening to Changbin’s heartbeats while the latter played with his hair.

They spent the weekend together at home; eating a lot, watching movies and playing games with Yubin. They tried working out, but ended up wrestling to see which one was the stronger. Changbin won because Hyunjin dodged him and whined instead of fighting back. 

They took a bath together, something they never did before, and they just talked in the warmth of the water until Hyunjin shampooed Changbin’s hair and cupped his face to tell him how cute he was.

Changbin looked away, flustered.

Sunday afternoon, after another bath, Changbin was brushing his teeth over the sink when Hyunjin snaked his arms around his middle and placed his chin atop his shoulder.

“I don’t want to leave,” the younger softly told him. “We should skip school tomorrow.”

“I’m okay with that,” Changbin agreed with a mouthful of toothpaste. He was already missing classes in favor of music, so skipping one day wouldn’t matter, especially if it meant spending more time with his boyfriend.

“But our parents aren’t.” Hyunjin let out a sigh, his breath tickling the crook of Changbin’s neck. He was pouting.

“We should move in with Chan.”

“My parents would never allow that,” he said in a chuckle.

“I’ll kidnap you next weekend. After our gig.”

Hyunjin smiled as his hand drifted lower where he toyed with Changbin’s happy trail.

“You’re such a bad boy.” Hyunjin hummed against the shell of his ear while pressing himself flat against his back. 

They were bare except for their underwear and Changbin felt Hyunjin’s dick press against the slope of his back, his graceful fingers crawling to where his own dick was slowly thickening. Hyunjin gave slight taps, each spreading a pool of warmth within Changbin’s body, and then shot him an intense gaze before leaving the bathroom.

When Changbin entered his bedroom, Hyunjin, who was laying on the bed, lifted himself on his elbows. Changbin gave him a quizzical look— he knew what the younger wanted but it was always fun to watch him seduce him, to which Hyunjin rolled on his front to buck up his pert butt.

“What are you doing?” Changbin teased him as he climbed on the bed, between the long legs.

“Come on, isn’t that obvious?”

“Let me think…”

Hyunjin looked daggers at him, swinging his legs back and forth like a petulant child.

“Hurry!”

Changbin laid flat on top of him, his dick rubbing against the younger’s butt.

“Is this how you want to do it?” He asked as he embraced him in his arms, leaving kisses between his shoulder blades.

“Yes. What about you?” Hyunjin kept wiggly his butt against his dick, his face adorning a pretty, lopsided grin.

“I’d take you anywhere.” Changbin smirked.

Hyunjin hummed contently.

“What a surprise.”

Changbin pinched his belly, earning a whine. He wanted to kiss him, but he couldn’t see his face in this position. So, he untangled himself and rolled on his back, Hyunjin looking at him curiously.

“I can’t see you properly,” he explained, letting Hyunjin straddle him.

“You’re so cute.” Hyunjin smiled, his eyes fond, tilting his head before leaning down for a kiss. “You love me so much.”

“I do.”

“I like that. I love you too.”

In the end, they did it like lazy morning sex, propped against the pillows and a lot of kisses.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


At the dawn of Spring, they went to an amusement park accompanied with Minho, Jisung, Felix and Seungmin.

They went from eating cotton candy and burgers to Hyunjin and Jisung throwing up in the public bathroom after a ride on the viking boat.

“That’s it, I’m going vegan,” Hyunjin announced dramatically, his face puffy and red.

“Same. No more meat. Ever.” Jisung tried to clear his throat a few times before Minho gave him a water bottle. “Thanks. And fuck meat.”

“I must admit that the burgers weren’t that good,” Felix said as he crossed his arms over his belly. “I’m nauseous.”

“We should do something else,” Changbin suggested. “I want to shoot.”

“Me too! Let’s shoot!” Hyunjin took his hand and pulled him towards the various stands.

The six of them occupied all the shooting stand, some better than the others— Seungmin being last because of his bad eyesight and Minho coming close because he didn’t see the point of this game. Changbin took over, easily shooting with the pellet gun. Seungmin took pictures of all of them while Hyunjin took pictures of Changbin. 

“My tiny boyfriend with this big pellet gun!” He cheered with a sweet smile, making Changbin uncharacteristically timid. 

Eleven lives and he still wasn’t used to this kind of compliments; being called cute or pretty. It made him shrink instead of puffing him up with pride like all the times Hyunjin called him hot, sexy or cool; it made him shrink because he felt like he was only a young man, short with an undercut and bangs bouncing around his head when he walked, who liked video games and music and his sister a lot. Like he wasn’t this old entity dying after the deaths of the love of his lives.

Hyunjin squished his cheeks because he had scored the best.

They added all their points to get that big Baymax cuddly toy that caught Felix’s eyes. Then, they played with the punching bag machine, Hyunjin scoring the highest to everyone’s surprise— he looked like a twig, especially next to Changbin and Minho, but apparently his lithe body hid impressive strength.

(It shouldn’t surprise Changbin though, prince Hyunjin could wield two swords after all.)

“Why?” His pretty eyes filled in sadness. “I’m an athlete, obviously I’m the strongest!”

“This is pure luck,” Minho said more to tease him than anything, earning an awaited pout.

After that, they went on numerous roller coasters solely for adrenaline, even if half of them hated speed and heights. Around midnight, they shared a toffee apple, one bite each, which resulted to candy sticking to their teeth and the snack being thrown in a trash can. They opted for churros instead.

They sat on the grass among a bunch of people also looking up at the sky for the fireworks. Hyunjin leaned against Changbin and held his hand. He took a bunch of selfies, posing like a model while Changbin simply popped two fingers into a sign.

They kissed, tasting like sugar and soda, Hyunjin’s rosy lips against his own. Changbin couldn’t let go of him, he liked Hyunjin’s weight against him, his warmth and the scent of his shampoo. He liked his face lit by the moonlight and by the fireworks. He liked the feeling of his fingers intertwined with his own. And above all, he liked the glimmer in Hyunjin’s eyes when he looked at him with a beaming smile.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


Backstage, after the end of 3RACHA’s concert, Hyunjin jumped in his arms. He was giddy with excitement, cradling Changbin’s shorter frame into his arms and looking at him with stars in his eyes.

“You guys were awesome! You were so cool and fierce and hot. My boyfriend is the best.”

“Of course I am,” Changbin bragged as he let Hyunjin cling to him despite being covered in sweat— he felt gross, but it didn’t stop Hyunjin from kissing him. “And I have the best fanboy.”

Lilly, Minho and Hyunjin waited as their partners changed into their regular outfits— they had used some masks like metal bands did, only because they had lost to Jisung at rock-paper-scissors. 

They left the venue once all their stuff was packed.

During the ride, Hyunjin told him about his day at school; he told him about Seungmin’s and Felix’s days as well because they were part of his life; he told him about the summer camp his club organized that would last over three weeks and how long it was because it meant they wouldn’t be able to see each other.

“Were we always together all the time?”

“It depended on what duties we had, but we would always sneak out to see each other in the end,” Changbin replied as he pulled over, stopping the car in front of the garage where his parents’ had parked theirs.

“I don’t know if it’s healthy or not,” Hyunjin hummed before getting out of the car.

“I’d rather be with you everyday than not know where you are or how to reach you.”

“What if we get tired of each other?”

They met at the trunk, face to face.

“I stopped living with what ifs…” Changbin gave him small smile, opening the trunk and taking out his backpack. “I don’t want to worry about what will happen to us anymore.”

“I understand,” Hyunjin murmured as he cupped his cheeks and smooched his mouth, smiling against his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I told my parents about us.”

“You— what? Really?” Changbin blinked, dropping his bag on the ground to wind his arms around Hyunjin’s waist. “What did they say?”

“They said that they had guessed since we were doing a lot of sleepovers and because we seemed happier than before,” the younger told him in his soft voice. Soothing. “My mom said I transform into a kitten when I am with you. What does that mean?” He pouted.

“That you’re all intimidating unless I’m here for you to cuddle.” Changbin grinned, tiptoeing to steal a kiss. “Why did you tell them?”

“Because they’re my parents and I want them to know about us.”

“Should I tell mine?”

“Only if you want to.”

“I think Yubin already knows.”

“I think so too.”

Inside, Changbin’s mother reheated the leftover food and set the table for them. She petted her son’s head while praising him because he had been amazing tonight, she couldn’t stop replaying the live on the television. He tried to make her stop, but she kept on dotting him so he gave up, his cheeks pink.

They went upstairs to take a bath together and Changbin thought that there was no way his parents didn’t know either. Hyunjin shampooed his sweaty hair and then hugged him from behind while he brushed his teeth, waiting for him.

Then they slipped into the bed, Hyunjin curling around him with his knee pressing up against his bulge. He met Hyunjin’s intense stare, saw his little smirk, as warmth was quickly crawling all over his body. Hyunjin was warm on top of him, his wet lips warm against his own. Changbin strayed his hand where he could grope Hyunjin’s pert butt and push him down where their dicks touched.

He rolled them over, settling between the younger’s long legs and nuzzling along his neck, his scent intoxicating. Hyunjin kept him between his arms, eagerly pulling his clothes away. Soon, they were bare, their mouths never leaving each other and they did it slowly, sitting on the bed sheets with their limbs tangled.

(Hyunjin had always been this tasty fruit with a blade hidden inside that Changbin couldn’t stop devouring, addicted to his taste, his scent, his shape and how it made him feel, hard and avid and unable to stop; hooked to both love and pain.)

  
  
  


“Were we doing it all the time in our past lives?” Hyunjin asked sleepily as he made himself comfortable under the sheets and against Changbin’s chest.

They had cleaned themselves and put on new pairs of pajamas.

“Yes…” Changbin admitted, yawning. “We used snake skin for condoms.”

“Is it effective? Did I ever get pregnant?”

“I don’t think so. We were always careful.”

“Sounds like us,” Hyunjin hummed, resting his head above Changbin’s heart. “Are you going to tell your parents about us?”

“I’d like to, yeah… While you’re here.”

Hyunjin looked up at him with a soft smile.

“I’ll be with you,” he told him, lifting himself to peck his lips, then laying back to his initial position where Changbin could lazily run his fingers through his hair. “Goodnight.”

“‘Night,” Changbin managed to reply before falling asleep.

In the morning, they had a family breakfast on the patio bathed in the already warm sun rays of the summer. Hyunjin closely sat next to him like he always did when they were together; each other’s presence always comforting. They ate while talking about everything and nothing until…

“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you,” Changbin said after gathering courage. He didn’t know why he was nervous, especially since he had faced worse during all his lives. He felt Hyunjin press against him, silent.

“What is it?” His mother enquired as she was peeling an apple. His father had stopped sipping his coffee and Yubin just sat cross-legged beside him, quizzically raising her eyebrow.

“Hyunjin and I… We’re together,” he simply declared, the tip of his ears burning. “We’re dating.”

“Oh?” His father exclaimed calmly. “Since when?”

“It will be almost two years in three months,” Hyunjin pipped in, Changbin could hear his smile.

“Basically, right after you broke up with Soyeon,” Yubin chuckled, her grin knowing.

“Um… Yes.”

“Aw, sweetie. I’m sad that you didn’t tell us sooner, we would have invited Hyunjin for family gatherings more often,” his mother nagged while cutting the apple in slices and offering some to her husband— he picked one piece, and then Yubin stole the plate.

“Yeah, that’s too bad,” Hyunjin pouted, placing his chin atop his boyfriend’s shoulder and linking their arms.

“It’s okay honey, I’ll make sure to keep a seat for you next time.”

“I guess we officially have a second son.” His father shot him a warm smile, the wrinkles around his eyes creasing even more.

His favorite life, really.

“I want to see a kiss,” Yubin grinned around an apple slice. “Or I don’t believe it.”

“Yubin!” Their mother scolded, but Hyunjin smooched Changbin’s cheek anyway.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


For a weekend, they decided to go camping. All the boy scouts gang packed and piled up in Changbin’s pick-up to the vastest forest in the surrounding area.

They went for a walk, ankle boots and hats because it was too dangerous with sneakers and way too warm to let the sun burn their heads.

Seungmin would follow the map, Jisung would wander left and right because he couldn’t stay in place, Felix would want to play in the river and of course, they all did too. Changbin would take in the absence of noise, except for the few birds chirping, and the scent of the earth. Nothing but tranquility.

After that, they decided to climb the highest leafy tree.

“I think we can see the whole town from up there,” Seungmin said as he scanned his map. “We’re right in the middle of the forest.”

“Who’s going first?” Felix asked while jumping to hang off a sturdy branch. “Who’s the scout?”

“I’ll go first to make sure it’s safe,” Changbin told them as Hyunjin, who was picking up an apple from another tree, came to drape his arm over his shoulders. He took a piece and then brought the fruit to Changbin’s mouth for a bite.

When he swallowed, Hyunjin leaned in for a sweet kiss.

“I suggest you all go first and I watch from below because I hate heights.” Jisung was hanging off a branch and swinging like a monkey just like Felix. “Don’t forget to take pictures for me!”

Changbin went first to test the solidity of each branch before climbing, followed by the others one by one with Hyunjin bringing up the rear. He reached the crown of the tree; peace and wind, and a great stretch of green leaves befell him. Only his face peeked out as the highest branches were also the weakest.

“How is it?” Seungmin asked from below, his voice a murmur in Changbin’s ears.

“As impressive as it was when we were kids.”

He went down to let Seungmin reach the crown, and as they switched places, he heard a crack— his bracelet shattering, then another, and another. _Crack, crack, crack—_ Seungmin looked at him, frozen, and he saw Felix, as petrified, look down. 

And then, Jisung screamed.

Changbin’s felt his blood turn to ice.

Seungmin opened his mouth, his eyes widening.

Jisung kept screaming, a chant of _no, no, no, no, no—_

Hit by the reality, Changbin hurried down, his breath stuck in his chest. It felt like time stopped, like he was suddenly too slow. He hopped on the ground, skin scratched by the leaves and branches, to find Hyunjin’s head limp in a pool of blood.

Jisung was holding him, crying; his phone, red, next to them.

Changbin fell on his knees, reaching to touch Hyunjin’s hair.

His eyes were open and watery and he was whimpering, in pain.

“Hyunjin…” Changbin breathed, his vision blurred by the avalanche of tears. He felt his heart being slowly, slowly, _slowly_ ripped away. A familiar ache he would never get used to.

“I called the ambulance,” Jisung told them between panicked sobs.

But they were in the middle of a forest— 

They could run—

If they were quick, maybe— 

Hyunjin tried to move; another whimper and more blood.

_Don’t touch him,_ one of the boys shout.

_Don’t move him!_

_He’s going to die!_

_We have to do something!_

Hyunjin reached for them, his hand weak. 

Changbin held it against his mouth, silent.

His hand, cold in his hold.

Limp.

Red.

And then, destiny.

Death.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


Tree, fall, death, all the blood down.

My last scream, my fists tearing into the ground.

I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, my wound too profound.

I love you.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


The day of the private funeral, Hyunjin’s body was carefully covered with flowers and his shiny black hair was neatly tucked behind his dainty ears. His parents made their farewell in a mix of breathless silence and sobs. Everyone was there, his family, his longtime friends and their families, his team, some teachers, some classmates; faces like poignant sorrow, eyes void like polished marbles.

It was a sunny day, a soft, warm breeze that didn’t help chase away the cold within Changbin.

They put Hyunjin in the ground, deep.

Changbin wanted to lay down in the earth, by his side, and sleep.

Minho held his hand the whole time, Chan had his arm around his shoulders, and Changbin was aware that the ones who knew about destiny hurt as much. They didn’t want to lose him as well. They told him: _we don’t want to lose you too._ They told him they didn’t know how to deal with the pain either. No one knew how to mourn, anyway. They all lost someone precious; a son, a friend, a favorite student, a lover.

It didn’t matter, he was hurting. Still holding on just like all the ones who loved Hyunjin were, but hurting once more. He was pouring forth a great pain, a wide open chasm expanding from his being, dark and unforgiving, and another hole in his brain, another hole in his heart. Another death like another worm eating his soul.

He would remember, Hyunjin the athlete who loved apples like Hyunjin the orphan, who ate his apples raw with the peel like Hyunjin the prince, who smelled like apples like Hyunjin the dancer, and Hyunjin the merchant, and every Hyunjin he loved.

He cried, heart at the rim of his lips.

Chan took him in his arms where he could only hear the thrum of his heart, the speed of his breathing and his own voice cracking one last time before disappearing into an eternal silence.

Hyunjin, his eyes black and gleamy, with a spark of mischief and another of delicateness; his smile, beaming and sweet with round teeth that always hid a giggle; his skin, smooth and tan and smelling like everything Changbin liked; his being, soft, sensitive and alluring the way that had Changbin smitten.

The essence of him imprinted in his person without end.

He was gone.

Changbin was alive.

He kept living like he promised Hyunjin, bearing with this heartache that always tore him apart.

They made songs about him; the only time Changbin was speaking. They spent his birthdays together. They cried every time they mentioned his name; a piece missing like a piece of their hearts, so it hurt all the time and would hurt until their hearts stopped beating.

Changbin brought lovely flowers to his grave every day, tormented by his tragic death, by how unfair it was that he was dead. Dead, dead, dead; this terrible anguish never leaving him. 

He wore both love and loneliness like a coat that sewed into his skin and became his shadow. He lived long; lived his dream and beyond, until he died too. The pain like an overflowing steam; a cruel torture like drowning and breathing water; like all the ragged tears his eyes cried.

  
  
  
  


─────────

  
  
  
  


Changbin grew up thinking that there was something wrong with him. He drew things he never remembered seeing, constantly worrying his teachers about the extent of his imagination. He was nine, he liked stories, his head filled with adventures and swords and trees and friends he never met, and war against people, war against time and death.

He felt the weight of all those lives that ran across his head like it was memories and not fictional stories, but it always scared him so he preferred to call it dreams.

He had an imaginary friend that he drew all the time, sometimes they were sitting on a tree, sometimes they were fighting bad guys, sometimes they were holding hands, sometimes they were girls; his best friend who would always lay in bed beside him and listen to his stories. He had cat-like eyes that Changbin liked to look at, and an attitude that pushed Changbin to talk back to the kids who were picking on him for being quiet and tiny.

Hyunjin; a pretty name for his pretty, imaginary friend.

One day, when he was twelve, he went to the playground with his ball squeezed under his arm. He wanted to play soccer with the other kids, but noticed that most of his comrades were gathered around the merry-go-round play. In the middle of it, stood a kid waving a small wooden sword; he had a paper crown atop his small head and an impish smile.

“Who is this?” Changbin asked his comrades when he came closer.

“The king of the playground. He won against our local bully,” a girl, who was living in the neighborhood, explained.

“He challenged that moron?”

“Yeah, and he took the crown.”

“How?”

“They raced.”

“Bullies out!” The little king yelled, pointing to an older kid— the one who had picked on Changbin many times before. “Not in my kingdom!”

“Bullies out!” The other kids chanted.

“Hyunjin, you know that if you do that. You’ll be a bully too?” A little boy with braces told him in a sigh.

Changbin blinked, squinting his eyes to see this Hyunjin better.

“But Jeonginnie…” The little king, Hyunjin, pouted, looking at his friend. “Bullies can’t play with us!”

“I’m not a bully! Stop calling me that!”

“You lost to me!” Hyunjin retorted, his eyes cold. “Bow down to the king or leave.”

“Out! Out! Out!” Everyone chanted again while the group of kids Changbin, and many others, didn’t like walked away.

Changbin stared at Hyunjin, cat-like eyes and button nose, and clearly an attitude like his imaginary friend had… Except that this Hyunjin was real, and he was already pulling in a crowd like everyone was bees and he was the prettiest flower.

He watched as Hyunjin hopped down, holding his sword over his shoulder like it was a baseball bat.

They made eye contact and Hyunjin approached, staring back at him curiously.

“My name is Hyunjin,” he chirped, giving Changbin a toothy smile— one of his canines was missing. “I don’t know you. What’s your name?”

“Changbin.”

“Welcome to my kingdom!”

Changbin titled his head.

“I’ve never seen you around. Are you new here?”

“Yes, I moved in two days ago.”

“And you’re already the king?”

“I run very fast,” Hyunjin told him as his keen eyes turned into crescents moons. “Wanna be one of my knights? You’ll be the second!” He pointed over his shoulder at Jeongin who waved at him while timidly smiling. “He’s the first, he showed me around.”

“Okay…” Changbin said, confused that the boy of his dreams was here, in the flesh, befriending his friends and claiming the playground.

“Okay?”

“I’ll be your knight.”

“Yay!” Hyunjin let out in joy. His shiny eyes briefly darted down to the ball Changbin was still holding. “Can I play soccer with you? I like soccer.”

“Of course.” Changbin mirrored his smile.

“Okay, let me call everyone.” Hyunjin spun on his heels and waved his sword again. On his tiptoes, he yelled: “I’m picking players! Who wants to be in my team? We’re playing soccer!”

“I am not dreaming, am I?” Changbin murmured to himself, extending his hand to touch Hyunjin’s tiny arm. He was real, full of spirit and pretty like he had always been in his dreams.

“Uh? Why would you be dreaming? Are you okay?” Hyunjin looked at him with familiar round eyes as a familiar pout knotted his rosy lips together. He had those shiny eyes filled in worry that made Changbin’s tummy churn weirdly. “Binnie?” Hyunjin called, tilting his head and extending his free hand to tap his shoulder.

“Because you’re too cute to be real,” Changbin blurted out, not knowing where it was coming from. His cheeks flushed while a dust of pink was blooming on Hyunjin’s soft ones.

“You talk like my older brother talks to his girlfriend,” Hyunjin told him as he eyed him curiously again. “Do you want to hold my hand too?”

“Yes,” Changbin replied boldly.

“Cool! We’re both kings now!” Hyunjin exclaimed as he took his hand and faced the kids coming one by one to play soccer with them.

The feeling of their tiny fingers intertwined together made everything fall into place. 

He had found Hyunjin again. 

Alive and radiant and holding his clammy hand. 

Changbin’s toes curled in his sneakers as he tried to tone down this sudden excitation pulsating in his veins; his heart fluttering, his feelings chasing away all the confusing gloom he had been experiencing through dreams and what he thought was only the fruit of his imagination.

He couldn’t resist the beaming smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

Hyunjin. With him. Again.

Happiness.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_fin._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I once heard Hyunjin say, "I will always love you. Even dead." Like a whisper against the shell of Changbin's ear.
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are more than welcome. I hope you enjoyed this love story and I would greatly appreciate any feedback or feeling you had while reading. Thank you. <3


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